Hail to the Thief
by evermine
Summary: Bella is faced with a choice. Her decision will be setting off a sequence of events, each separate but related by this choice, a domino effect. Will she allow her future to be stolen away from her?
1. Prologue

**Author's Note - This story will begin towards the end of Eclipse, when Alice takes Bella to the Cullen house for a 'sleepover'. ****This is rated M for a reason, there will be language, lemons and sensitive issues. **

**Shout Outs - A super duper special thanks to MeraNaamJoker who beta'd this chapter & the next - i'm her biggest fangirl... ****Txgal77 (my own personal cheerleader), Madaboutforks & missmez have been bribed into pre-reading and TheMightyRen has jumped on the bandwagon as beta. You ladies make me feel all warm & fuzzy. UntilWeBleed for being all sorts of creative & fabulous for making the banner - love your work BB! **

**NB: in this story vampires will bleed when injured and need to feed to recover, because Really SM? Vampires made of stone? That just doesn't float my boat.**

_Disclaimer: Twilight and its characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer. No copyright __infringement _intended.

'_The pull on my flesh is just too strong  
It stifles the choice and the air in my lungs  
Better not to breathe than to breathe a lie  
When I open my body and breathe alive'_

'_Broken Crown' by Mumford & Sons_

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**Prologue**

His ice cold fingers gripped at my right wrist. Too tight. It hurt.

In his state of annoyance, his restraint wavered; I would surely be left with bruises of four fingers that would just touch the crescent shaped scar I wore on that arm. I twisted my hand in protest but his firm grasp remained, tightened even.

Jacob could sense my pain. His eyes darted from mine, to my wrist, and back again.

"Let her go," he finally spat through clenched teeth. "You'll break her wrist"

He stood a few feet away in a wary stance, his fight-or-flight instinct tearing at his insides. But he didn't give in to either. To him, I was in danger and he felt he needed to diffuse the situation.

Through panicked eyes I looked at Edward's face. He winced as he comprehended my agony and immediately released me. I cradled my throbbing arm against my chest and instinctively took two shaky steps back towards Jacob.

Edward shook his head slightly. "I'm sorry, Bella. Come." He held out his hand for me to take. "Shall we go?"

I peered over my shoulder at Jacob, who was shifting his weight from one foot to the other nervously. His jaw pulled tight in a tense clench as he waited for me to do something. Anything.

I was facing a domino effect, because this decision, this small change, would be setting off a sequence of events, each separate but related by this _choice._

The seconds dragged on. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

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**Additional A/N - Reviews are like high fives, fist pumps and pats on back... just saying =) **


	2. Chapter 1

**Author's Note - This is rated M for a reason, there will be language, lemons and sensitive issues. **

**Shout Outs - A super duper special thanks to ****MeraNaamJoker ****who beta'd this chapter as a charitable gesture - i'm her biggest fangirl... ****Txgal77**** (my own personal cheerleader), ****Madaboutforks**** & ****missmez**** have been bribed into pre-reading and ****TheMightyRen**** has jumped on the bandwagon as beta. **

_Disclaimer:__ Twilight and its characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended._

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'_Began an end today, gave and got given.  
__You made a friend today, kindred soul cracked spirit'_

'_Numb' by Sia_

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**Chapter 1**

I was in grave danger.

The _people_ I loved and cared about were banding together to protect me. I was no one special, just a simple girl who, for reasons beyond my comprehension, caught the eye of a beautiful boy.

Make that two beautiful boys.

Edward was everything cool and untouchable. He exuded magnificence. He was like an Adonis, lithe and lean with skin as hard as marble. His bronze hair tousled perfectly and I could drown in his amber eyes. His scent was a delicious mix of everything that ever made my insides tingle. He was a self-confessed predator, a vampire. I had loved him more than my own life, and I _had_ been very willing to let him end it because my death meant an eternity with him.

Jacob was warm and familiar. His very presence washed over me like a summer's breeze, his breath vivid and alive. His massive form of brute force and muscle was sheathed beneath his russet skin. His ebony locks were cropped short and messy, leaving bare a heavy brow that bore the brunt of imperative responsibility. His eyes, brown like melted chocolate, were always thick with emotion. He exuded happiness from every pore, like an invisible layer on his skin. I always found myself touching him, just so that even an ounce would rub off on me. Jacob also happened to be a werewolf, and I loved him like my life depended on it.

And I guess it did in a way, because my death and new life as a vampire meant that I would live in _their_ world, and Jacob was a part of my world, I wasn't willing to let go of that just yet. Jacob was my anchor to humanity, which I was so willing to forgo for Edward. So yes, my life _did_ indeed depend on Jacob.

I stepped out of the yellow monstrosity of a car onto the pebbled driveway at the Cullen house. The floor to ceiling windows shone with a muted glow from the lounge, and the lights embedded in the decking of the porch steps lit the way to the front door. The house was surrounded by towering trees that formed an almost impenetrable barrier between _their_ world and the _real_ world, my world.

I glanced around at Alice, who feigned innocence with raised brows and doe eyes. I'd been told we were having a slumber party; well, that's what she had told Charlie. It was a ruse to steal me away from my home, which was now in danger as the newborn army loomed treacherously close.

Edward opened the solid oak door and reached out to me. I turned to Alice once again with a questioning look on my face.

"Surprise!" she said with excitement. "We're not technically having a girl's night, Bella."

Once it registered, my chest became tight. It was the nerves. I'd been pepping myself up for this conversation; I just wasn't aware that it would happen sooner rather than later. But now, with a solitary night of Edward before me, this was going to happen. Tonight.

Alice waved at us before sliding back into the driver's seat of her Porsche, her gift from Edward after our impromptu dash to Italy.

I turned back to Edward, who now ushered me inside.

"Edward, um… we need to talk," I told him noncommittally. I was never one for confrontation. It made me anxious and I could never express my point in the exact way I'd wanted to. But tonight it was of vital importance that I did. I _had _to.

He took silent steps toward me and brushed the backs of his icy fingers over the apple of my cheeks, which were already burning. My nerves also provoked the same reaction that embarrassment did, an awful blush that I wished I could just wipe off.

He nodded. "Yes, Bella, there is something of great importance that I would like to discuss with you." He trailed his fingers down my left arm and grasped my hand. With a slight tug, he led me to the stairs.

I took a steadying breath. "I think we should talk down here, in the lounge."

One side of his mouth lifted, and transformed his lips into that crooked grin that always left me speechless. "I think we should take this upstairs. I have a rather nice surprise for you."

I unwillingly followed him up the stairs, acknowledging each and every artifact that decorated the wall to focus on something other than the pounding of my restless heart. We arrived at Edward's room, and he reached out to turn the knob slowly.

"Close your eyes," he whispered against my temple. I sighed and did what he asked.

With my eyes firmly squeezed shut, I felt his palm pressed into the small of my back to encourage me to enter the room. I took several blind steps before Edward grasped my shoulders as he stood behind me. I felt his cool breath on my neck before I felt his lips there. "Open them," he instructed.

So I did. His room had been rearranged, and in place of the black leather sofa that had been the centre point of this space, stood a large ornate iron bed. The bed was adorned with intricately woven roses that entwined around the frame. The luxurious gold bedspread gleamed under the faint flicker of the candle light. Tall tapered candles littered the room which was glowing with warmth yet the weight of my reluctance chilled me to the bone.

Edward took the overnight bag from my hand and walked over to place it on the floor. I sat on the edge of the large bed, biting on a chipped nail, another nervous tick I had. He then appeared before me, kneeling on one knee with his pale hand outstretched. Nestled in the centre of his palm was a small black box. My mouth gaped open without thinking and my pulse started ramming at my eardrums.

He opened the box slowly and swallowed audibly as he began, "Isabella Swan, I promise to love you forever – every single day of forever." He looked up at me with fierce intensity. "Will you marry me?"

My heart firmly lodged in my throat.

I was nineteen, and the idealism of marriage was a foreign concept to me. My mother and her incessant sermons on the sanctity of marriage and how monumental a step it is in one's life, and how it should never be taken lightly, had provided me with an aversion to the subject entirely. I don't believe that was her intention, however that _was_ the effect. I reacted with hives whenever I even saw a wedding.

My mind became blurry and I had an overwhelming urge to yell at him to stop.

But I didn't. I couldn't.

One tiny part of my mind, still weighed down by the memory of his abandonment, was somehow hardwired to my mouth, and refused to let me speak.

Still as a statue before me, he waited. Minutes passed while my head swam.

Finally I managed to speak. "Edward," I said, as I shook my head from side to side instinctively, "I can't… I…"

His jaw twitched ever so slightly; his smooth façade wavering just a little. "If you're worried about your father, I don't think it's necessary."

"It's… not my dad," I glanced at the ring; it was clearly an antique, a large oval shape with diamonds scattered across the shiny gold. I couldn't imagine it sitting on my fourth finger, and forcing my mind to wander in that direction made me feel queasy. "Edward, I don't want to get married." I chose my words carefully so that he could not misconstrue my intention like he usually did.

Another small tremor in his jaw. He stood to his feet still holding the ring box. Cocking his head to the side, he asked, "Is there something else you're not telling me?"

I gnawed at my lip and studied the thick pile of his carpeted floor. I couldn't look into those eyes. I knew the instant I did I would lose myself again. "I didn't want it to be like this, I never thought you were actually going to propose, not now." I chastised myself internally for this rambling. I owed him my complete and utter honestly and I needed to get to the point.

I took a deep steadying breath and began again. "I'm not just turning down your proposal, I need a… break, some time away from this," I explained, motioning between us with my hand.

Edward captured my hand with his and brought it up to his lips, "Bella love, if the idea of marriage frightens you then I am a patient man. I can wait." He kissed my palm. "I _will_ wait." He repeated the gesture on my wrist.

"Our relationship has always been shrouded in fear. Fear of what you were, fear of the depths of my feelings for you, fear of never seeing you again when you left me…" He shuddered slightly at my honesty. "I'm living in fear now of my life, and I'm sick of being afraid."

He sat on the bed beside me. I lifted my leg up onto the bed and repositioned myself to face him.

"Bella, you needn't be afraid, I would do anything to protect you from harm." He exhaled deeply, and only then did I realize he'd been holding an unnecessary breath. I relished the effect his scent had on me; it made me dizzy for a second before I regained my composure.

"I know you would, I just don't want the foundation of us to be based on me being the damsel you have to save and defend. I want to find out who _I_ am before I discover who we are together."

His brows creased, and I could see the heartbreak in his expression, "I love you. You are my reason for existing. I'm not sure how to go on without you."

"I'm not banishing you from my life; I need some time away from the intensity of _us._ It doesn't mean that once I figure things out, there isn't a chance for this to continue. I _need to be sure_ this is what I want."

Edward looked very uneasy. He stood and paced before me with his fists grasped so tightly his knuckles were white. "Bella, I will do whatever you want. If you want me to change you now, I'll do it, or we can leave Forks and go wherever your heart desires." He fell to his knees before me once more. "_Please,_ love, tell me what I need to do."

He was the one who was afraid now. He was scared that I had choices, and he wasn't sure how I would decide them.

I hated to hurt him like this. "Edward, can't you see? I am in no position to make any decisions about anything", I explained as he rubbed my thigh in a soothing manner. "I can't think straight knowing that everyone I care about is risking their lives for me. I just need a little time, that's all."

He squeezed his eyes shut and ran his hand through his hair, then exhaled sharply and asked, "Does this have anything to do with Jacob kissing you?"

The previous week Jacob had kissed me. It was unexpected and unwelcome. I had punched him, not because I was angry, even though that was the reason I gave him. I was stunned and ashamed by the reaction his lips on mine produced. My stomach did back flips and my heart soared. It was warm and enveloping and lingered with a feeling of rightness that I pushed away. My life was messed up beyond recognition as it was, and I was _not_ going to let the stability of Jake's and my friendship falter like everything else in my life had recently.

"No," I lied. "Maybe." That was better. "My mind is so clouded that I can't see straight. I'm sorry but I need some space to find my feet again." I was done explaining.

He shrank back towards the wall by the bed and brought his knees up. He looked worn and tired, something I'd never seen in him before. He was, after all, a vampire who never slept.

"Then I shall give you what you need, Bella. Space and time," he confirmed. "But realize this: I will be waiting and I will take any part of you that you are willing to give me, my love."

I understood how difficult it was for him to say that, but _he_ left me once before. He _owed_ me this.

I stood up off the bed and reached for the strap of my bag. He grabbed my wrist lightning fast.

"You don't have to leave. You can stay in here, and I'll leave you alone."

I shook my head. "No, I appreciate the offer, but I think I should go." He held onto my hand. I glanced over at it then back at him.

He let go a second later. "I'm sorry, Bella."

"Me too," I offered meekly.

I accepted a ride home from Edward. It was silent in the car as he sped through the dark road down the 101 to my house. I wasn't sure exactly how I would explain to Charlie that our girls' night had been cut short., It didn't matter, though. I couldn't bear the thought of sleeping in that bed alone in _his_ room.

Edward stopped the car a few houses down from mine and placed his fingers around the key to cut the engine.

"Don't," I said before he turned the keys. "I really have to go. The next few days are going to be tough."

His brows creased as he nodded. "Yes they are. It will be fine Bella. We _will_ keep you safe."

I smiled half heartedly and exited the car, bidding him a good night. His sorrow was apparent under the guise of his returning smile. My chest ached a little. He turned around and sped off as I approached the path leading up to my house.

I reached into my bag to find my keys when I heard a sharp cracking sound in the forest across from the house. My head snapped in the direction automatically. I swallowed against the fear that rose in my throat. Sheer stupidity propelled my feet forward towards the noise instead of away from it.

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**A/N - Reviews are better than a block of chocolate =)**


	3. Chapter 2

**Author's Note - This is rated M for a reason, there will be language, lemons and sensitive issues. **

**Shout Outs - Txgal77 (my own personal cheerleader), Madaboutforks & missmez have been bribed into pre-reading and TheMightyRen has jumped on the bandwagon as beta. **

_Disclaimer:__ Twilight and its characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended._

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'_I am covered in skin, no one gets to come in  
Pull me out from inside, I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding I am  
Colorblind'_

'_Colorblind' by Counting Crows_

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**Chapter 2 **

My heart thumped erratically in my chest as I took slow steps across the deserted street. All I could think about is Charlie sleeping soundly inside the house that now stood behind me.

I stopped at the cusp of the forest, and took a final calming breath before stepping inside the thick growth. Darkness took over as I walked further, leaves and twigs crunching under my sneakers.

"I'm here," I announced in almost a whisper. If Victoria was indeed near, she could take me and spare all those that I love.

Silence.

Then, I was pushed to the ground. I landed on my side with a painful thud, and could finally make out a large muzzle sniffing my leg. I placed my palm on my chest and let out a relieved gush of air before examining my hand. It was stinging and I was pretty sure it was just a graze, I couldn't tell in this dim light. I dusted myself off and stood to my feet as the giant wolf pushed at my thigh. Beside him stood one of his brothers. I couldn't make out who it was, the moonlight not providing enough glow to decipher the colour of his fur. Or hers.

"Shit guys, you scared me," I finally managed to say. Another shove against my thigh.

One of the wolves disappeared for a second and walks out on two legs a few moments later. It's Embry.

"Hey Bella, I'm sorry we didn't mean to scare the crap out of you," he explained zipping up his shorts.

I looked over at the other wolf. "It's fine, I just didn't know you guys were here."

He pointed at his chest, "Guy," before gesturing behind him, "Girl."

"Hey Leah," I managed to say before she turned away from me and let out a small huff.

"We had orders to watch your house so that's exactly what we're doing."

I ran the pad of my finger over the dense scratches etched into my hand. I nodded, and instantly wanted to ask where Jake was. But I didn't.

"I'm sorry that you guys have to hang around here and keep watch. It's not fair."

"Hey," Embry said with a light squeeze on my shoulder, his hand was warm and my mind wandered back to Jake. "This is what we do. We protect people from the leeches, besides, it'll all be over in a few days."

I reached for his hand and held it in mine. "I'm just afraid for everyone. If anyone gets hurt, I'll never forgive myself."

"Hey," Embry said, reaching over for me. He pulled me into a reassuring embrace. "We're all spawn of fucking fairytales and shit. You're _not_, it'll be a piece of cake."

Embry laid his cheek on the top of my head in a gesture that screamed Jake, but it just didn't have the same effect. My hands trembled as I wrapped them around his waist. "Thank you," I said as I finally looked up at him.

"No problem Swan," he replied grinning and he dropped his arms. "But, what are you doing out here anyways?"

I gnawed on my lip and debated my response. "Um, I was meant to stay at the Cullen's. But there was a… change of plans."

"Well you'd better get your ass to bed. It's late and tomorrow you're hiking up that mountain."

"Well technically, Jake's carrying me," I clarified with a grin.

He laughed. "Yeah well, lucky for him you're a twig," he joked and poked me in the ribs with his index finger. "We'd better do a loop around to sniff out intruders, so goodnight Swan."

"Um, do you know if Jake's at home?" I finally asked.

"I'd assume so, he's not patrolling," he responded, looking at me with a sideways glance like he was trying to solve a math problem.

I procrastinated for all of three seconds. "Hey do you think you could, I don't know, like… give me a ride to his house?"

He narrowed his eyes, still trying to figure me out. "Huh? But your truck is right there," he said, pointing towards the truck that was parked in the drive.

"I know, but, I was supposed to be at the Cullen's and I left my truck here. So if I… maybe stay at Jake's, I won't have to explain why I came home to Charlie. He'll be less suspicious that way." My lengthy reply hinted at nervousness but Embry overlooked it.

He rolled his eyes as Leah came over and nudged his shoulder. "Fine!" he exclaimed, dragging the word out. "I can drop you off at Jake's then come back here. Leah can keep an eye on Charlie." Leah let out another whine.

"Great!" I grabbed my bag off the ground where it lay and threw it over my shoulders. "Um, how exactly do we do this?" I asked.

Embry displayed a mischievous grin and asked, "Have you ever been horse riding?"

"No."

"Good, cause this will be nothing like that," he said laughing.

I swatted at his shoulder and he disappeared into the darkness. When he reappeared, he was in his massive wolf form. He knelt down in front of me as I clumsily hopped on between his front shoulder blades where there was a small dip. I entwined my fingers in his dense fur and took a deep breath.

"Ok I'm ready. Giddy up?"

Embry rose up on his front paws slowly and then up on his hind legs. I reluctantly looked down and it was higher than I'd expected so I grasped at his fur just a little tighter. He moved gracefully through the thick growth of the surrounding forest, more like a jungle cat that a wolf.

It took less time than I anticipated to arrive at Jacob's house. It was after eleven and I was certain that he would be fast asleep. The pack's patrol schedule was gruelling, considering the circumstances; I guess they could never be _too_ safe. The circumstances were grim. Victoria had created a newborn army to avenge James' death, a mate for a mate. Her sole mission was to kill _me._

As of this evening, I was no longer Edward's mate. It wouldn't matter though, not to her. Victoria knew how deeply Edward loved me and reducing me to a mere memory was her payback. Vampires, unlike humans, have a vast memory and never forget anything, particularly an emotion as potent as love and desire. Humans, on the other hand, will mourn, the memories fade and eventually, they move on. Edward would never forgive himself if anything happened to me, he would surely go back to Volterra and beg to have his existence ended.

I crept around the side of Jacob's house to get to his bedroom window. His curtains were pulled shut but there was a small gap in the middle. I tried to peek through but I couldn't see anything so I raised my fist and knocked gently. I pressed my ear against the cold glass and heard nothing besides the howling wind whirling around me. I tried knocking again. Nothing.

_Shit! _

Jacob slept like the dead, I was sure I could actually smash the window and he'd still sleep though it. I placed my palms flat on the window frame and pushed up. To my surprise, it was actually unlocked. Then again, why a werewolf would need to lock his window was beyond me.

"Psst!" I whispered. Silence.

"Jake," I called a little louder. There was no sound coming from him except the steady sound of his breath as he exhaled. I positioned my hands on the window sill and pulled myself up till I was teetering half inside and half outside of Jake's bedroom. I reached over and shook his leg slightly. "Jake."

He moaned a little and propped himself up on his elbow, turning to look over at me. "Bells?" he asked, his eyes heavy with sleep.

"Yes," I replied. "Can you give me a hand here Jake, I'm sorta stuck."

He scoffed at me and shook his head. His hair was sticking up in all different directions, it made me want to smooth it down for him. He pulled himself up on his knees and reached over to me, placing his hands underneath my arms to pull me in. "Shoot, hang on, I left my bag."

Jake rolled his eyes at me and pushed at my shoulders till I landed on the dirt with a thud. I grabbed my bag and threw it in the window, pretending it was an accident when it hit him square in the face. "Oops," I teased with a smirk.

"Get your ass in here Bells, I'm fucking tired." He was clearly not in the mood for my cute antics.

Once again, I placed my hands on either side of the window sill and pulled myself up. Jake's arms instantly looped under mine and he pulled me inside. I closed the window behind me before turning to him.

He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his palms and yawned. "What are you doin' here Bells?"

"Um… avoiding an interrogation." Charlie was the chief of police and he'd been on the force long enough to sniff out a liar. I was never any good at lying anyway. Although, I did do a pretty good job of lying to myself at times.

Jake reached over and slipped each of my sneakers off of my feet before dropping them to the floor. His fingers grasped at the collar of my jacket, knuckles just barely grazing along my collarbone as he slipped it off. He tossed it over to a chair that was covered in his worn clothes. A muscular arm snaked around my waist and pulled me into a lying position. My heart fluttered ever so slightly.

"Ok honey, sleep time now," Jake instructed, whispering the words into my hair. He moved his arm from around my waist and reached down to grab the covers and pull them up over us. His hand found my hip and he rested it there. I could feel the scorching heat through the fabric of my T shirt. "Bells," he murmured.

"Yeah?" I replied nervously, my fingers twisting the corner of his pillow case.

"Stop thinking. I can literally _hear_ your brain ticking over."

It was. "I'm sorry," I sighed.

"It's ok," he replied, kissing the side of my head, just above my ear. "Now go to sleep, we'll talk in the morning." I placed my hand over his, it was still resting on my hip, and entwined my fingers in his. I brought both our hands to my chest where I was sure he could feel my heart beating. Neither of us said a word. I wanted to tell him that I'd asked Edward for a break, but this moment somehow felt so intimate that I was reluctant to bring anyone else into it, even if only by name.

My head was scattered with random thoughts. Everything from my fear about the battle, to the way I ended things with Edward, to why I was suddenly uncomfortable being in the same bed as Jake. We'd slept in the same bed dozens of times and I'd never felt so uneasy before.

Our sleep over's were somewhat routine after Edward left. Friday nights mostly, Jake would always come over after I finished work and we'd order pizza before playing Chinese poker for spare change. I would always win, so he'd let me choose the movie we'd watch. I would then feel bad for crushing his ego, and I'd choose a guy friendly movie, not that it mattered, Jake would always fall asleep on the couch with his feet resting in my lap. It was those moments that I got rare glimpses of the boy I'd first claimed as my best friend. When he was just drifting off into a deep sleep, his face reflected his age and the importance of his tribe's safety didn't weigh down on him.

I would always have to wake him, reluctantly so. He didn't sleep enough as it was and I hated having to rouse him from an obviously comfortable slumber. I would drag him upstairs by his hand as he mumbled his apologies. It never bothered me, I was happy to spend time with Jake in any capacity, whether he was alert or asleep, it didn't matter. I always wore my summer pyjamas on those nights, sleeping next to Jake was like sleeping with an electric blanket on high all night long. I had learned after the first time that less was more, in terms of layers, when Jake slept over. Charlie didn't mind it either. His Saturday morning fishing trips would start at dawn so he usually slept at Billy's and would take Jake's bed.

Naturally, our routine ceased as soon as I returned from Italy with Edward. Jacob couldn't understand why I felt responsible for Edward's actions. He gave me a choice and begged me to stay, for _him_. I couldn't. Our friendship suffered a massive blow after that and he severed all ties with me for a while. I was devastated. It was a very different feeling of abandonment to when Edward had left me but it cut me just as deeply and the ache was just as excruciating. If not more so, because he _knew_ how broken I was after Edward left. Jacob was, after all, the one that picked up the shattered pieces and put me back together. But it was all glue and tape. Eventually I would have fallen apart again. Or so I had convinced myself.

Jacob never kept his feelings for me hidden, he was upfront about how much he cared about me. I was as sure as I was of my own name, that if Edward hadn't existed, I'd be living a very different life by Jacob's side. I _would _belong to him. Jacob would also be living a very different life. He would never have phased into a wolf in the first place, had there been no immediate danger to the tribe. We really would have been just Jake 'n' Bells. No monsters and no magic. Just two teenagers who were best friends and who's affection for one another grew and thrived because they took the natural path.

But _this_ was our reality. Edward _did_ exist and I _did_ love him. And Jacob _was_ a werewolf and I loved him too, in a much different way to Edward. Perhaps with a more _rational_ level of intensity.

Jake was fast asleep. I could always tell the exact second he drifted off. I turned over and positioned myself to face him. His breaths were long and drawn out, and his mouth was just the slightest bit open. His brow was creased though, so I knew there were worries on his mind. I clenched my fingers tightly into my palm to suppress the overwhelming urge to trace the planes of his face and the line of his square jaw. Suddenly a smile broke out on his lips and his eyes twitched a few times. He was dreaming and I was so curious as to what was playing out in his head. Something exquisite I imagined, it had to be to bring such a remarkable smile to his beautiful face.

I closed my eyes, willing myself to fall into a deep sleep. Jake and his glorious grin the last thing I saw, I hoped his sunniness would rub off on me and I could share his pleasant dreams.

_I was falling. It was dark and I was plummeting into nothingness. Suddenly I hit something hard and my back ached from the impact. But then I was sinking into the freezing cold water. It was frighteningly familiar, just like I'd jumped off the cliff in La Push. I was submerged under the murky waters searching f__or Edward, he always came to me. I was in danger and would appear. My lungs were begging for oxygen, they burned with the pain of its lacking. I would wait, I could hold my breath till I saw him. I looked around, my eyes pricking from the salty water. In an instant there are hands around my throat, squeezing the life from me. My mouth opens instinctively to scream but the dirty water pours down my throat flooding my lungs._

My eyes flutter open at the sound of Jake's voice. I feel his chest against my cheek and it takes a second to realise I am cradled in his arms. He's stroking my hair and whispering reassuring words in my ear. I can't make them out but his warm breath on my face is like a sedative. It's all ok now. The tension leaves my body and I sink into his embrace.

"Shh Bells. It's just a bad dream. I'm here," he tells me reassuringly.

In the safety and familiarity of his arms nothing bad can ever touch me. He's here. He's _here._ My eyes are heavy and sore. Wordlessly, I press my lips against his for a second, hoping to express my gratitude. He just _gets_ it. He understands that I don't want to explain and that's ok by him. He gets _me._

I lay down and stare at the wall. The shadows of the trees dancing on the faded yellow paint. I feel his chest press against my back as he pulls me into him once more. His lips find the tiny crook at the base of my neck and he places a kiss there. His nose is buried in my hair and I listen to the sound of his breathing, counting his inhales and exhales, waiting for the precise second when I know he's no longer conscious. I close my eyes and concentrate on the rise and fall of his chest against my back.

He is here, so am I. What am I doing?

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**A/N - Reviews are better than cheesecake (only marginally so)**


	4. Chapter 3

**Author's Note - This is rated M for a reason, there will be language, lemons and sensitive issues. **

**Shout Outs - Txgal77 & Madaboutforks have been bribed into pre-reading and TheMightyRen & missmez have jumped on the bandwagon to beta. **

_Disclaimer:_

_ Twilight and its characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended._

_

* * *

_

'_Love, love is a verb  
Love is a doing word  
Fearless on my breath'_

'_Teardrop' by Massive Attack_

* * *

**Chapter 3**

I'm startled awake. It was still relatively dark outside and I had no idea what the time was. I was still tucked into Jake's body, just as I had been when I finally fell asleep after the nightmare. His breathing was shallow and hasty, he was definitely awake.

I looked over my shoulder. He instantly propped himself up on his elbow, his free hand stroked my bare arm. His eyes were thoughtful and caring, just as always, then he asked, "You ok?"

I nodded. "What time is it?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "You got somewhere you need to be Bells?" The side of his mouth lifted into an incredibly cute grin which made me smile in return.

"Umm… the top of some random mountain by the end of the day. You?"

He pursed his lips and looked at the ceiling, feigning deep thought. "Oh yeah. I almost forgot. Got a vampire or two to slay, just call me Buffy."

The amusement drained from my face instantly and I pulled myself up to a sitting position. The reminder that my friends were putting their lives on the line had my stomach in instant knots. I instinctively folded my arms over my chest, it was my self preservation kicking in.

"Hey," he soothed, linking his large fingers with mine. It was odd, my hand looked like a child in his, but _he _was the one that was still just 16. "I'm sorry. If Sarah Michelle what's-her-face doesn't do it for you, you can pretend I'm the other one."

I laughed. "Which other one?"

"You know, the original Buffy, the blonde with the great rack."

I grabbed a pillow and hit him across the head. "You're a pig Jacob Black!"

"Oink," he squealed as he wrapped his hand around the back of my neck and pulled my head down to his so our foreheads were pressing together. "It'll all be ok Bells, I swear to you." And there it was, that intensity behind his chocolate eyes that made my belly burn.

"I'm sorry," I said. I seemed to be apologising a lot these days.

He shook his head furiously from side to side. "No!" he replied in his stern authoritative voice. "Stop apologising. You know, you say _sorry_ so much it loses its intended impact Bells. You may as well be saying… I don't know… Waffles."

Jake was my personal court jester and I loved him for it. I chuckled before examining his fingers still entwined with mine. "You know, you really need to stop biting your nails, they look gross. It's a disgusting habit, and no girl would want those hands on her." I bit the inside of my lip at the blatant lie. But his nails were chewed beyond recognition. Maybe that was his nervous tick, just like my blushing or persistent lip biting. But i was a nail biter at times too, i shouldn't judge.

He pulled his hand from mine and waved both in front of my face. "Bells? Are you talkin' about these bad boys?"

"Alright Ross Gellar," I swatted his hands away. "Get your spirit fingers out of my face."

His expression changed and it was serious again. "Bells, why did you come here last night?" he asked curiously. "I mean, don't get me wrong, you know you're more than welcome to come over… whenever. But…" he paused, contemplating his next words, "… I thought you were meant to be with… _him._"

Jake always had a hard time saying his name. The few times he did it was like blasphemy rolling off his tongue. His voice was bitter and his lips twisted angrily over each syllable. I actually preferred when he referred to Edward as _him_, so I didn't have to see that spiteful side of Jake.

The sun was rising and the room was beginning to flood with the warm glow. A rare sunny day was looming. I looked up at Jake, in the new light I could see the anticipation painted all over his face.

"I _was_ supposed to stay there," I confirmed, "I just came here to avoid Charlie's questioning."

He narrowed his eyes. "Yeah, I kinda got that last night. You said you were avoiding an interrogation." He swallowed thickly before continuing. "But, _why_?"

Butterflies assaulted my stomach and I wasn't entirely sure why I was so nervous about telling Jake what happened. I hadn't really thought about what this whole _taking a break_ thing meant. I mean, other than knowing that I wanted some space from the intensity of mine and Edward's relationship. I hadn't done this to open myself up to another one, and I didn't want Jake to think that I had. He'd made it crystal clear where he stood on that matter, Jake wanted me to choose _him_ and this break was by no means me _making_ that choice, it was me simply removing myself from the equation. I wasn't opening a door to Jake just because I was closing one to Edward… for now.

"Umm, Edward kinda proposed to me last night." I stared at his face noticing his expression change from utter shock to spite.

Jake grabbed my left hand and examined my fingers quickly, then proceeded to glance over at my right hand. "No ring?" he asked mockingly. "Or is the Hope diamond getting resized?" His sarcasm laid on extra thick for my benefit.

"Are you done being an asshole?" I asked as I got up off the bed. He quickly grabbed me by the elbow and rose to his knees on the tiny bed. It dipped down ridiculously low bearing his weight.

"You said no, right?" His eyes implored me to answer. "I mean this late night visit isn't some sick and twisted way of saying goodbye. Right?" His voice was shaky, as was his hand which was still clutching my arm.

I pulled away from his grip. "My answer was _no_."

He let out the breath he'd been holding, relief washing over him. Just as he opened his mouth to speak a howl broke through from the forest. It was loud and sharp, they had to be close. Jake instinctively leaped from the bed, the call from his alpha too strong to ignore.

"Bells, I gotta go." He grabbed a pair of shorts from the pile of worn clothes on his chair and placed a quick kiss on the top of my head. "Help yourself to anything in the kitchen, hopefully I won't be too long," he promised as he strode down the narrow hallway.

I nodded, following closely behind him. He opened the front door before hesitating for a second and he glanced over at me. "Bells… Waffles," he apologised with our new codeword for _'I'm sorry'._

A smile crept on my lips before replying, "Me too." And he was gone.

I was left to loiter around the Black's house. Billy had been taken into town for an appointment so I was left rifling through old magazines in front of their tiny television. I'd wasted at least two hours watching Get Smart re-runs. I'd made myself some breakfast and eaten that and cleaned up the kitchen, scrubbing all the benches clean.

Then I ventured back to Jake's room. I made his bed and threw all his worn clothes on top of the pile of dirty ones that was overflowing in his laundry basket. I contemplated doing a load of laundry for him but I doubted he'd appreciate me sorting through his underwear. I walked over to the wall that was covered in photographs, random photos of happy times.

There were photos of Jake as a baby cradled in his mothers arms, she was a beautiful woman with warm sun kissed skin and a French twist worn in her ebony hair. Jake looked a lot like her and I wondered how much of his _Jacobness_ he inherited from Sarah Black. There were numerous fishing photos, a younger Billy and Charlie, sporting that moustache from way back then. A lot of photos of cars and engines Jake had rebuilt, displayed like a proud poppa. Pictures of the guys messing around, in too many locations to count.

Then there were the photos with Jake and I; his infectious smile always plastered on his beautiful face, his eyes always filled with affection and his hands always touching me in one way or another. Then one particular picture caught my eye. It was a photo of Embry with a funnel in his mouth pretending to pour motor oil down his throat, but that wasn't what caught my attention. Jake and I were in the background, I was sitting on the floor with my knees pressed up to my chest and my arms hugging my legs. Jake was seated on a crate next to me and the look on his face was looked so… hopeless. I winced at how utterly damaged I was, I mean to any normal person, I probably looked like my parents had just died. And Jake, he was there for me, he watched me wither and fade before he singlehandedly reassembled me. He deserved more than the title of best friend, _best_ just didn't seem to cover it.

The sound of the front door opening broke me from my reverie. Jake strode in barefoot with a dirty tee thrown over his right shoulder as I made my way through the hallway towards him. He looked annoyed, but I guess he always looked that way after a pack meeting. He was getting increasingly frustrated with taking orders from Sam. I guess it was his true Alpha calling bubbling up inside, none of the other guys seemed to have an issue with it, but Jake, he always took orders with gritted teeth and clenched fists. Perhaps it was the fact that he didn't want this, not that any of the guys did per se, but they all grew to accept it and some even embrace it. But Jake was always so resistant to it, he loathed anything that infringed on his freedom of choice.

"Jake?" I asked, reaching over to him with my outstretched hand. "Is everything ok?" My fingers touched his arm and he flinched a fraction and held up his hand in a signal to stay back. A lump rose up in my throat, he was angry, really angry.

He ran this hand through his dirty hair and exhaled audibly. "There's been a change of plans Bells."

Fear crept into my chest and all of a sudden, it was difficult to breathe. The _plan_ was to have Jake carry me up the mountain to the designated spot where I would be hidden until the newborn fight was over. Jake was my mode of transport because his smell would obscure mine, which Victoria and the newborns were all too familiar with by now. Any deviation in this plan had me nervous, what could change so suddenly on the day that had Jake so upset?

"Change of plans?" I asked.

He nodded his head curtly.

There was a swift knock at the rickety door and Quil walked in. "Hey guys," he greeted. Quil surveyed Jake's expression then his eyes darted to me. "Uh, are we good here?" he asked

Jake remained silent. He then abruptly rounded me and walked towards the hallway that led to his room. He lifted his clenched fist and punched a hole into the wall of the small lounge room on his way. I jumped at the sound of the wall cracking under his immense strength.

Quil immediately came up behind me and gave my shoulder a squeeze. "He'll be ok," he assured me.

I heard Jake rummaging in his room before entering the bathroom and slamming the door behind him, practically off its hinges.

"What the hell is going on Quil?" I asked. I always felt like the last person to know everything, I know that was really selfish of me considering the fact that I will be sitting in a cosy tent in oblivion while my friends battle for my life.

Quil sat on the arm of the couch scratching his head. "Jake's just pissed because Sam ordered us to change places. I'll be taking you up to the mountain and he has to stay in La Push and patrol."

Disappointment weighed down on me, and washed over my expression. I attempted a smile and said, "OK, well if it's an order."

"Geez Bella, what am I chopped liver? I mean come on, spending a few hours with me won't entirely blow, and I'm good for a laugh."

I looked over my shoulder towards the bathroom. Jake was furious and I desperately wanted to talk to him, calm him down and tell him it'll be ok. The last thing I'd want is for him to go into the fight tomorrow with a death wish. I preferred he vented his frustrations out to me instead of tearing vampires apart with his teeth.

"Nothing against you Quil, I'm just… you know…" I trailed off, absorbed in my thoughts.

"I know Bella, we _all_ know."

I wasn't sure what the end of my sentence was going to be but Quil sure seemed to think that he _did_. Apparently they _all_ did. "What do you _know _Quil?" I asked folding my arms across my chest defensively.

"Jake _loves_ you. Period. It's only natural that he's pissed he won't be the one keeping you safe. It's eating him alive and he just about tore Sam's head off."

Jake was overly protective of me, I mean we were best friends. And yes, I was aware of the fact that he loved me. But the emphasis Quil put on the word made it carry so much more weight. Like I was blind to exactly how much Jake did in fact love me. My heart swelled a little with the added affection.

My fingers subconsciously found their way to my mouth and I began gnawing at the nail on my pinky. "Why did Sam switch you guys?" I asked, purely out of curiosity.

"Well Sam figured Jake is around you often enough that the leeches may have picked up his scent too. So, better to be safe than sorry right?"

It made sense. I mean Jake and I did spend a lot of time together so his smell was bound to rub off on me.

"We gotta get going Bella. I need to get you up there before dark, which will more than likely be a lot earlier than usual 'cause of this shitty weather."

I nodded. All the supplies were going to be in the tent that Edward was setting up right about now. Alice had warned us about snow and cold conditions. She had practically bought every item for camping and hiking from Newtons so I was set.

The bathroom door flew open and Jake walked out and ducked into his room closing the door behind him.

"Quil, I just need to say goodbye to Jake."

He nodded and made his way into the kitchen to rummage through the refrigerator.

I tapped lightly on Jake's bedroom door.

"Yeah, come in."

I opened the door and walked in, he was sitting on his bed with a towel wrapped around his waist. Droplets of water fell from the ends of his hair, down onto his shoulders and over his bronze chest. His head lay in his hands and he didn't look up.

"Jake," I whispered, "I'm going to be fine, Quil will look after me."

"I know he will," he replied in a strained voice, "but I'd look after you better Bells."

He finally glanced up at me. The look on his face scared me, it was fear. I don't think I'd ever seen that look on his face before. His cocky attitude and tough exterior would never let me see he was afraid even if he was. But here, before me he was vulnerable and my gut told me he was frightened that things may not go exactly to plan.

I closed the gap between us and stood before him. "I'll see you tomorrow Jake."

He shook his head, still angry about the change of plan. "If anything goes wrong, if anything happens to you I swear on my mothers grave, Sam Uley will be a fucking dead man."

"Jacob!" I snapped. I hated seeing him angry and his threats on Sam's life made me nervous.

He rose to his feet and took my hand in his. He brought my right hand to his chest and I felt his heart thumping under my palm. He brought his other hand up to stroke my cheek, his eyes losing their fury, replaced instead with yearning. He closed them and rested his forehead against mine.

"See you tomorrow Bells, I'll be waiting." Then his lips pressed against mine for a few seconds and then the warmth disappeared. I hadn't realised I'd closed my eyes too and when they opened again he was at his wardrobe taking out new clothes.

"Bye Jake," I whispered and turned to leave.

Before I reached the door his hand grabbed at my wrist and spun me around. His arms wrapped around my waist and he pulled me flush against him. His face fell into my neck and his heavy breathing sent shivers down my back. My arms rose instinctively to embrace him in return. I pulled him against me just as hard as he had done.

"I fucking love you Bells," he declared, sniffling into my shoulder.

"Oh Jake… I love you too." I did. But I also loved someone else. "I'm scared," I added.

"Me too Bells." He held onto me a little tighter then until Quil cleared his throat behind us.

"Uh, Jake… Bella and I have to get outta here, we don't want that storm to catch us."

Jake nodded taking my face between his warm hands. He pressed a kiss to my lips again for the briefest of moments, then another on the top of my head.

"Quil," he said wiping his nose with the back of his hand, "If one hair on her head gets messed up…" he warned.

"I know man, you'll rip my arms off. See ya tomorrow."

Jake grabbed Quil's arm and whispered something in his ear. Quil nodded and grabbed my bag off the floor before making his way over to me.

"Come on Bella, let's go."

I turned and smiled one last time at Jake. He didn't give me one in return.

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**A/N - so for those who didn't catch the Ross Gellar reference, it's from Friends. Watch it here youtube (dot) com (/) watch?v=EXxUeKPxiFE (ugh, i hate that FFnet eats links, hope this works) David Schwimmer is a comedic genious - just sayin'**


	5. Chapter 4

**Author's Note - This is rated M for a reason, there will be language, lemons and sensitive issues. Just to clarify, Bella never asked Edward to sit the fight out.**

**Shout Outs - Txgal77 & Madaboutforks have been bribed into pre-reading and TheMightyRen & missmez have jumped on the bandwagon to beta. **

_Disclaimer: __Twilight and its characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intende_

* * *

'_I am overcome, what a strange thing you have done  
From now on my life has changed, nothing now can be the same  
__Love is all around me, and it's written in your name'_

'_Written' by Lamb_

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**Chapter 4**

Quil had been carrying me up the mountain for almost an hour. I was on his back with my arms firmly gripping around his neck. He had his arms looped up my knees holding me up. I told him it was ok if he wanted to phase, I was more than happy to ride on his back. It wasn't nearly as frightening as I'd imagined it when Embry had given me a ride wolf style to Jake's the previous night. But Quil refused, telling me it would be _antisocial_ of him. I figured that meant there were things he wanted to talk about; subtlety was not his strong suit. He wasn't starting the conversation and neither was I.

My mind was still absorbed with the heart wrenching goodbye Jake and I just shared. I couldn't get my head around the finality of it; Jake was anxious and terrified to let me go. It was the complete opposite of his normal demeanour when it came to discussing the looming newborn fight. He was usually smug and so sure of his ability to 'slaughter the leeches,' as he'd so eloquently put it. I guess reality finally kicked in and his confidence crumbled, add to that the fact that Sam had ordered Jake to trade places with Quil. He was completely rattled.

Quil sighed heavily beneath me. "That's it! If you don't start talking soon, I swear Bella; I'll break out in song. Miley Cyrus; _The Climb_. I think that's a fitting musical tribute to our trek."

"I'm sorry, what?" I asked, not really hearing a word he'd said.

Quil suddenly started singing. "There's always gonna be another mountain, nah, nah, nah, nah, something… move," he yelled, have no recollection of the actual lyrics.

"Stop! Please! My ears are bleeding," I told him mockingly.

"Hey. I ain't _that_ bad," he defended.

"It's not you Quil, I promise. It's more those cheesy songs that cause me pain."

"Now, now, Bella. Miley is a national treasure, please don't knock her musical talents in my presence."

"Are you for real? That girl is a tragedy, not a treasure," I argued. I had the distinct feeling Quil was attempting to lighten the mood. It wasn't working, my smile and attempt at laughter were purely superficial.

He was silent for a few minutes, contemplating his next words. "You know…" he finally began, "Jake is gonna be fine, he'll cool off before the fight."

I shook my head from side to side, replaying the anger that emanated from Jake as he cursed Sam. "I just hope he doesn't do anything stupid. I really wish he wasn't going into the fight so pissed off."

"Look, Jake is a stubborn ass sometimes, but I can guarantee he's gonna want to walk away in one piece from that fight tomorrow. I'll make sure of it."

Relief washed over me at Quil's promise. Regardless if it would be kept or not, I felt better knowing that he would try and keep Jake level headed. I embraced him a little tighter showing my gratitude.

Quil's strides over the uneven surface beneath him were as steady as if he were walking along a footpath. Manoeuvring around tree trunks and sidestepping fallen branches with ease. He deliberately slowed his pace till he was at a complete standstill. He reached around and grabbed my forearms and yanked me down. He spun me around and unzipped my backpack pulling out two bottles of water, handing one to me and opening the other and swallowing the contents in five gulps.

"Ok Bella, time to spill to your guts to Quil. Hey that rhymes, I'm a poet and I didn't even know it!" he smirked.

I narrowed my eyes, crinkling my forehead in the process. I wasn't entirely sure what exactly he wanted to me spill. "Umm, come again?"

"Do I need to spell it out to you Bella? I'm asking what is going on with you and Jake?"

"What? Nothing is going on," I clarified. Had Jake told him something?

He rolled his eyes at me condescendingly before continuing. "I _know_ nothing is going on. _That_ is the problem." He walked over to me and crouched down, gesturing for me to jump on his back again so we can continue the climb.

"There isn't a problem Quil. Why? Did Jake say something to you?" I quizzed. Surely if Jake was going to confide in anyone it would be Quil and Embry.

"Are you fucking kidding me Bella? He hasn't _said_ a word, but his thoughts on the other hand…" he trailed off, shaking his head, still keeping a hurried pace so that the purple clouds behind us didn't catch up.

I chewed on my lip nervously. "I don't think I want to know his thoughts. I mean, they should stay kinda private, right? He gets annoyed that you guys can hear him, and I don't think he'd appreciate you telling me." I babbled on nervously while theories and notions swam in my head. Curiosity was gnawing at my brain and I had the sudden urge to tell him to spill it. But I composed myself and bit back that request.

"Bella, you need to know. I don't give a flying shit if he gets pissed at me."

I sighed loudly into the back of his head. I wasn't sure if this was information I wanted, I already had enough to deal with, what with being hunted by a vampire out for revenge and breaking it off with Edward after rejecting his proposal. Jake was the one constant in my life and I wasn't in a position where I wanted that to change right this very second.

"I know he loves me. I do…" I wasn't sure how to finish that sentence.

"He doesn't just love you Bella, he is so freakin' deeply _in_ love with you, it's like he'll never find his way _out_ of it," he explained. "He drowns in you and every thought is clouded by your name. It's like a fucking mental chanting that doesn't stop. And it's fucking annoying to tell you the truth."

A flicker of something warm and enveloping rose in my chest. My heart beat a little faster and stronger but I pushed down on it. I couldn't know _this_, I didn't want to know _this_. Not right now.

"Quil, I can't be what he wants me to be," I murmured.

"I know, I know. You're with Cullen and whatever. I get it."

Well technically I was _not_ with Edward anymore. But that didn't make a difference, or so I told myself. I couldn't open myself up to begin something I wasn't sure I wanted. Not yet.

"I'm not," I revealed.

"Not what?"

"I'm not with Edward anymore. I told him I needed some time." I wondered why it was so hard to tell Quil. I think it was the first time I'd said it out loud, now it was official and real and I couldn't hide behind it where Jake was concerned. He would ask me the tough questions, and tell me his intentions and expect things back with his pleading brown eyes. Did I have the strength to deny him?

"What the fuck? Are you shittin' me?" he gasped, profanities dripping from his foul mouth. Then comprehension hit him and he stopped in his tracks. "Jake doesn't know." It wasn't a question, he was just confirming his own suspicions.

I shook my head into his neck feebly.

"Fuck, Bella! I mean I saw him checking your fingers in his thoughts and replaying you telling Edward no to his marriage proposal. Which by the way, you dodged a bullet there, so high five," he said, bringing his palm around to face me so I could actually give him a high five. I didn't. "But damn, Jake is gonna flip his shit when he finds out, he's gonna think Santa came to town early."

My nerves were eating away at my insides now. I did not want Jake finding out from Quil, I chastised myself internally for revealing this, how could I be so careless?

"I don't want him to think this changes things." I announced.

"This changes everything Bella." His voice was serious now, any joking had completely dissipated.

"It doesn't have to." I was so naïve, but I tried to convince myself otherwise.

"Yes it does! And it will. For him."

I was so selfish, I loved them both and I wasn't willing give either of them up. I hated myself and I wished they hated me too.

"It's not that simple. I still love Edward, it's not over forever, just for now."

"Jesus Christ Bella! You had your time with Cullen and you know what he can offer you. Don't you think Jake deserves that shot too? Shit, dude, you're in poll position, explore your options."

I shook my head furiously, tears welling in my eyes. "No! That's not fair," I wailed.

Quil was getting frustrated, raising his voice. "To who? Bella, it's not fair to push Jake away before he's even had a chance."

"A chance to what?"

"To show you everything. To tell you everything. You _are_ his everything, give him a chance." His tone turned almost pleading. It never surprised me the lengths they would go to for each other. Which guy would ever tackle this subject for his friend? But I guess that's what made them brothers.

I didn't respond, I wasn't sure what to say. He dropped the issue and I was grateful. So instead we stayed quiet, absorbed in our own thoughts. His picked up the pace, the dark clouds looming overhead were almost a signal for the impending danger. The winds whipped around creating a sea of leaves and debris flying around us and it was so cold, my cheeks felt like I'd been slapped and I couldn't feel the tip of my nose any longer. This was bound to be a very cold night, I mentally noted to thank Alice again for funding this camp out with the best equipment money could buy. My coat wasn't doing nearly enough as it should, I felt the frost nip at my skin even under all the layers.

When we reached the campsite, the wind gusts nearly knocked me off my feet. It was gloomy and dark, and the thick clouds covered the evening sky. Alice had foreseen snow and I was willing to bet on the accuracy of her vision. The tent was set up and secured to the ground with metal pegs, inside there was a down sleeping bag, a mattress and two flashlights. Alice had also packed a bag of drinks and food, and of course toilet paper. Considering she hadn't been human for a very long time, she still remembered the necessities.

Quil walked out of my line of sight, tugging at his shorts and kicking off his shoes under a tree, to phase and check in with the pack. I crawled back into the tent and took out two sodas, a bag of chips and some pop tarts, waiting for Quil to return with some news. My feet were frozen and I took my shoes off, wiggling my toes to get the blood flowing again. I put on the extra pair of socks I packed but cursed that I didn't pack any more. A few minutes passed and Quil returned. I was eager to know what was happening back home.

"So, is everything ok?" I asked curiously.

"Yeah, it's all quiet. Sam said I gotta stay phased so I can stay in contact with the guys."

"Oh. Of course. Do you want something to eat first?"

Quil raised his brows at my silly question and I rolled my eyes passing him the chips and a can of soda.

"Thanks Bella. Fuck it's cold, it's starting to snow already. You should get into the sleeping bag, tonight is not exactly camping weather."

I nodded and unzipped the bag and climbed inside. "Is Jake ok?"

He smirked before responding. "He isn't phased yet, but Paul said he was still pissed."

Quil wiped his cheese covered fingers on his shorts and stood crouching in the tent. He chugged back the soda and reached over for a pop tart. "Alright Bella, rug up. I'll do a few laps and I'll be just a little way down by the tree."

"Sure. Let me know if there's any news or… whatever."

"Ok. Goodnight."

I couldn't help but feel bad for Quil being out in the snow. But I guess he was better equipped to handle those conditions as a wolf anyway. I put on as many layers of clothing as I had brought, _not nearly enough_ I thought, and shimmied into the sleeping bag, pulling my beanie over my frostbitten ears. I was so tired, I hadn't had the most restful sleep the night before, way too much on my mind. Not that there was any less to contemplate tonight, more in fact, so _much_ more. But lethargy washed over me and my eyes closed of their own accord, sweetly drifting into oblivion.

The snapping sounds of the tent walls shaking with the wild winds woke me. It was pitch black and I blindly searched the tent floor for the torch. I flicked it on and quickly put my hands back in the sleeping bag and between my knees trying to warm them up. My breath came out in bursts of fog; it was so cold I couldn't feel anything except the pricking pain of discomfort on my skin. I wasn't sure how I would last the entire night at this rate. I tried to move my arms and legs to create some heat but it made my limbs ache from the lack of warmth and blood flow.

My teeth were chattering and my body went into overdrive bringing on the uncontrollable shaking. I was sure I had learnt this in biology; the body goes into survival mode and subconsciously starts to shiver in an effort to create an increase in temperature. I couldn't think of anything besides the yearning for warmth. I squeezed my eyes shut willing for sleep to take me again, but it was no use. My whole body hurt and I wanted relief.

I heard the sound of the zip on the tent door open and there was muffled shuffling. I pried my eyes open and there was Jake hovering over me, breaths heaving and brows knitted in concern. He was here, and he was my relief from this freezing, biting cold.

"Fuck, Bells! Are you ok?" he yelled, concern dripping from his voice. His hands frantically moving over me automatically, trying to decide what to do.

I couldn't speak, my teeth chattering of their own accord and I couldn't get words out. I shook my head from side to side weakly, my eyes willing him to warm me up. He immediately removed his jacket and threw it to the floor while kicking off his sneakers. I stared at him in numb awe, violent shivers racking my body.

He moved as quickly as he could, unzipping the sleeping bag, he instantly wrapped his arms around me and he flinched when my cheek touched his chest. _Oh God! Sweet relief_ I thought.

"It's all right Bells. I'm here now," he soothed, rubbing my back with his hands. I pressed my lips into his neck, the tip of my nose just grazing behind his ear, a contented sound rose up from his chest. He peeled the gloves off my hands, the tips of my fingers blue, my fingernails a strange shade of violet. He took my small hands in his large one and pressed them into his stomach, my skin absorbing as much heat as it could. My fingers still tingled with numbness.

"Jake," I managed to groan, "I can't feel my legs."

He clenched his eyes shut for a brief second before speaking. "Bells, I'm gonna take your clothes off now," he whispered, swallowing thickly, I watched as his Adam's apple bobbed in his throat.

I nodded meekly, biting my lip; I still couldn't feel it.

Jake positioned himself on his knees in front of me, unzipping my jacket and laying it on the floor beside him. He hovered over me, his hands not knowing what to take off next. His eyes still glazed over with fear, darting from my face to my feet and back again. His hands reached for the button of my jeans, he hesitated squeezing his hands into fists and shaking his head, perhaps chastising himself internally. His nimble fingers then undid the button and pulled the zip down.

He fingers slipped under either side of the waistband and he slowly tugged down. My breath caught in my throat, I blamed it on the cold. I lied, it was the heat from his hands and knuckles sweeping over my outer thighs, over my knees and down my calves as he pulled the jeans off. I watched his face carefully, his brows creased in utter concentration, the corners of his eyes twitching with nerves. He scooted down beside me, wrapping his legs over mine and I gasped, the temperature of his body thawing out my own.

Jake's eyes moved over my chest. "Bells, can you lift your arms for me?" he asked timidly. Shivers still making me shudder, I did what he asked. I had on three layers; a sweater, a long sleeved t shirt and a thermal top. He grabbed at the bottom and grasped all three together and removed them all in one swoop. His gaze dropped to my black bra for a split second before he scooped me up into his arms again, covering us with the sleeping bag. The moment of contact, my chest firmly pressed against his, made me shake with reprieve. Goose bumps covered my entire body as it was regaining the heat back, courtesy of Jake and his 108 degrees. This was one of the few times I was grateful he was a wolf.

His heart pounded against my own, their rhythms matching, I felt the pulse in his neck against my lips, which were pressed into his throat, relishing in the warmth. His hand rubbed soothing circles all over the skin on my back. His fingertips aimlessly drawing trails over my body, leaving burning paths in their wake. His hand travelled down to the small of my back, his palm splaying wide as he pressed himself against me a little harder. Every now and again his fingers would dip below the elastic of my cotton panties, just barely, and my throat made an involuntary whimper, which I would try to disguise with a cough. My body was doing things, reacting in a way it had never done before. This was all new and exciting and it thrilled me with a yearning ache which I couldn't quite pinpoint. All I knew is that Jake was causing this, and he was the one who could offer me relief.


	6. Chapter 5

**Author's Note - This is rated M for a reason, there will be language, lemons and sensitive issues. **

**Shout Outs - Txgal77 & Madaboutforks have been bribed into pre-reading and TheMightyRen & missmez have jumped on the bandwagon to beta. An extra spesh THX to you guys for helping with 'the dilemma' ;D**

_Disclaimer: __Twilight and its characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended._

* * *

'_Let me come closer, I'm not your shadow  
With our eyes shielding from the oncoming counts  
It's not hard for us to say what we should not  
If just for tonight darling, let's get lost'_

'_Let's Get Lost' by Beck & Bat For Lashes_

* * *

**Chapter 5**

We were lying side by side, no words were exchanged. Jake's hand moved down over my hip and along the length my thigh, just a gentle caress to check I was warm. My knee hitched up between his thighs automatically, my body instinctively doing things that _I_ didn't know how to do. He shuddered at the contact, his heart hammering faster and faster in his chest as I felt his growing erection through his shorts.

A thrilling rush coursed through my veins at the comprehension that I did that to him, my own pulse quickening. Jake's breaths were rapid and heavy, and his jaw clenched tightly with restraint. His hand dipped in the curve behind my bent knee and he pressed my leg against the bulge in his pants, a groan escaping his mouth. I wanted to touch him and I found my fingers tracing the line of this abdomen before I even decided to allow it to happen. My fingertips danced over the valleys between his muscles making their descent lower to where I knew he needed to be touched.

Jake's body was flinching beside me in reaction to my exploration and it made me bolder in my actions. When my hand reached the top of his shorts, I could feel the muscles in his hips, the ones that created that heavenly V shape I'd studied from afar in his garage that one time. I slid my finger beneath the waistband of his shorts and ran it along the entire length of the edge of the fabric, skimming the place where, had he been wearing underwear, the elastic would be. But he wasn't wearing anything under those shorts, and I felt my cheeks flush with heat at the realisation.

Just as I inched my fingers deeper, his grip loosened from my leg and he snatched my hand away by my wrist. His grasp was firm, and I couldn't fathom why he would stop me. He shifted away from me slightly and turned his head to face me and I lifted my other hand to my lips, the loss of warmth from his neck a stark contrast to the cold air around us. His eyes met mine and I saw such fierce desire reflected in his dark, heavy lidded gaze. I could see he wanted this just as much as I did. His stare burned me from the inside out and I felt a flickering heat in the pit of my stomach, like a fire that needed stoking. I nodded slightly, granting my silent permission for _this_ to happen, whatever _this_ would be; I was willing and eager to explore it. For the first time, no amount of denial on my part was going to diminish what I was feeling, what my body was craving, right in this moment.

Jake finally freed my wrist and placed my palm on his chest, over his heart, just like he had done the previous night. But it was so significantly different, his heart still pounded erratically, more noticeable now he held my hand there. Emotion poured out in his expression, desire mixed with something I couldn't quite place, indecision perhaps? He ran his hand through his hair and leaned his head back for just a moment to regain his composure, exhaling heavily with his breath coming out in huffs of fog mingling with the freezing air.

When he brought his face back down to mine, there was such a determination in his face, he instantly tangled his fingers in the hair at the nape of my neck and crashed his lips over my mouth with such force that I thought my lips would bleed. It hurt, in the best way imaginable, the sheer strength behind that kiss took my breath away, and I found myself gasping in his mouth as his tongue delved into mine. His sweet lips urging me on and my tongue reciprocated exploring his mouth with equal passion. Jake's other hand swiftly pressed into the small of my back and he ground himself against me, then came back up to palm my breast before wrapping under my arm and behind my back, pulling me to him as close as he could.

His lips left mine for a minute, lavishing attention to my jaw and ear where he moaned and whispered muffled words of affection. Then his teeth grazed the length of my neck and I felt a pulsating sensation between my legs that made me quiver. Gasps breaking free from my throat, trying to catch much needed air, I was so dizzy my head was spinning. My hands roamed his body freely, touching any expanse of skin I could reach, nails digging into the flesh of his back pulling him closer still. My knee hitched up again between his legs, pressing deliberately at his hard on, watching him wince with satisfaction at the contact, clenching his eyes and biting his lip to compose himself. Then his mouth was back on mine, nipping at my bottom lip as he desperately deepened our kiss, his breath washing over me like a sedative. My mouth already felt bruised, but it was the most delicious pain, and I would beg for more if he were to stop.

My shaky fingers found the button of his shorts and I began to fumble with it, he groaned encouragement and helped get his shorts off. He replaced his hand under my thigh, constantly drawing me closer, his fingers once again brushing just under the line of my panties. I felt his huge hard on press against my hip as I hesitated with my hand, I wasn't sure how to touch him. He sensed my apprehension and directed my hand down wrapping it around his erection and placing his hand on top of mine. I whispered his name against his mouth while he moaned in response, I'd never done this before and I was in awe of the feel of skin covering something so damn hard. His hand began to glide up and down slowly as his breaths heaved and his heart thumped through his chest against my breasts.

"Fuck Bells, you feel so damn good."

I smiled as Jake buried his face in my neck, whimpering and moaning while my hand explored and experimented. His hands roughly moved up over my stomach to my breasts, his fingertips grazing over my nipples through my bra, taunting me. He inched each strap down off my shoulders slowly, savouring my anticipation. He licked a trail down from my collar bone to between my breasts, his hot tongue dancing around the sensitive skin, causing me to shudder with delight. I took my hand from around him and his hips bucked in response, so I could unhook my bra and take it off.

Jake took all of me in with one sweeping gaze before returning his lips to mine once more, his hands roaming my body, every curve and every crease. We lay back down together, side by side, our lips not parting for even a second. Our hands were exploring at their own pace, every inch of each others bodies. My panties were still on, it was the only thing separating us now, but I didn't want anything between us, I wanted to feel every inch of his scorching body pressed firmly against my own. I reached down and hooked my thumbs under the elastic of my cotton panties and pulled them down, kicking them off with my toes across the other side of the tent. Jake bit his lip, I nodded once again, surrendering all I had to him in this moment.

"Touch me… please?" I begged.

"God, Bells…" he whispered while tracing the line of my jaw with his nose, inhaling deeply. "Where?" he asked, swallowing audibly his voice thick and husky.

I shrugged and shook my head, I wasn't sure exactly where but I yearned for his hands to be all over me.

"Everywhere," I finally replied in a soft voice.

Jake's trembling hand stroked my cheek lovingly cupping my jaw, his eyes pools of chocolate, showing me all things he wasn't ready to tell me yet. His fingertips descended from my jaw down the curve of my neck, over my sternum and dipping down further. My heart stuttered in my chest, as he stilled there momentarily, my breaths coming as pants now as his right hand teased a path over my stomach and inched closer to where I so desperately wanted him to be. My thighs parted just so and his hand slipped down between them, his fingers finding their way into my slick folds and immediately upon contact, my head dropped back and a moan broke free from my mouth. His hand moved and teased as I shuddered beneath it, anticipation tensing my insides which were ready to scream. He watched my reactions with every circle and rub of his fingers over my sensitive centre, and his erection twitched against me as he picked up the pace, sensing my desperation, every stroke was pushing me closer to something that was building up on the inside, I didn't recognise it, but I knew I wanted to reach it so badly. My breath caught in my throat as I gasped for air one final time, his fingers applying just enough pressure to push me over the edge and I cried out in utter ecstasy.

My arms immediately reached for him, grasping at him, pulling his shoulders down toward me, his face into my neck as I trembled against him, I needed him to cover every inch of my body with his and he obliged, positioning himself between my thighs, holding the weight of his body with his arms. My knees parted further and my hips rose to grant him entry, he hesitated for a moment but I boldly gripped his waist and pulled him down on top of me. He was perfectly positioned, his length throbbing against my centre. I wanted him to fill me completely; I wanted him inside me as much as he could be. I yearned for the closeness, the intimacy that I longed for from Jake. Slowly and willingly he entered me, inching deeper and delving further with small deliberate thrusts. A burning sensation filled me, it hurt, but it was mingled with a deep satisfaction that completely overrode any discomfort. I gasped and whimpered into Jake's mouth and he kissed me slowly, lazily almost with gentle need, he was trembling with emotion as he withdrew and then thrust back inside me, slowly, still slowly.

My fingers tangled and tugged at his hair, his still searching my body, urging and pulling me closer against him, tighter and more forceful. His restraint wavered as did his rhythm and suddenly his hips were bucking uncontrollably as his lips left mine and he found his way to my ear, holding my breath, stopping my exhale just so I could _feel _him_, _all of himas he moved within me, submitting myself to him entirely. Hearing him, as my name rolled of his tongue caused the hair on my arms to rise. Repeating my name like a mantra merged with words of love and promises I wasn't sure either of us would keep. With one final thrust his hands clamping down on my hips pulling me ever closer, followed by a grunt he pulled out of me and collapsed on my chest, pushing the breath from my lungs – I didn't want him to, even if I knew why, I still wanted him inside me, my hips bucking up trying to capture him back as he shuddered and I felt empty without him deep within me.

Jake's lips devoured mine again, his warm breath against my over heated skin, panting with exertion, then he pulled back and swept the hair from my face and tucked it behind my ear. His eyes were glazed over as they bore into mine, I wasn't quite sure what he was searching for, but I wanted nothing more than for him to find whatever it was that he craved from me. He lowered his head and pressed his forehead against mine, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment. When he opened them, he regained his composure and positioned himself beside me, propping himself up on his elbow before pulling me flush against his chest, kissing the top of my head before he whispered, "I fucking love you Bells," holding me tighter against him as he spoke.

I repressed the urge to tell him to watch his mouth, the expletive adding more weight to the declaration of his feelings for me. "I love you too," I mouthed into his neck. The significance of my affirmation diluted by the fact that that I also loved another. I swallowed down on the guilt and shame bubbling up inside. My stomach was in knots, not really recognising each choice that led to Jake and I lying side-by-side, skin-to-skin. I didn't really think it was a conscious decision, just something that fate had decided for me, that I needed to experience this moment with Jake and no one else. I would have never let anything happen that would result in us being naked together under any other circumstances. Not while Edward was still holding a piece of my heart. The other piece, firmly in Jacob's capable hands.

No more words were exchanged, the effortless nature of our relationship allowed for silence to be just that, no haste to fill it with thoughtless words. We just lay there, wrapped in each other, we lay both emotionally and physically tangled, and my skin soaked up as much warmth as I could from him. The chill in the air still nipped at the skin on my face so I buried myself in his neck, savouring his heady scent, feeling his pulse through his soft skin of his throat. I listened to his steady breathing finding its rhythm, the one I so easily recognised as him drifting off to sleep. I wondered what he'd dream about; would he replay this night in his in his mind? Or would the looming battle bring him nightmares that were to become reality tomorrow?

Tomorrow. What would become of Jake and I now? I wasn't naïve to think that things would remain the same. It was black _or_ white; there would be no middle ground when it came to our relationship now, no grey area to create a new definition of Jake 'n' Bells. This was the edge I was teetering on and I'd blindly allowed my body and my heart to push me over the edge, directly into Jake's waiting arms. The thing is, I could _never_ take this back, there was no way to ever erase what we shared, I didn't think I could even if I tried. I knew I would be reliving this moment behind my eyelids every time they closed. This is exactly what I had been avoiding, but I never imagined that I would have given Jake this intangible hope. Giving my body to him, in his eyes, would be seen as me choosing him, I felt nauseous when there was still that part of my mind that whispered Edward's name. We were not together right now but I felt like a cheater, I cheated myself and I cheated Jake. The decision which I was so reluctant to face was now the elephant in the room, I had _no _way out this time, I would have to choose; Edward or Jake. Choosing one meant living without the other, I wasn't sure how I would survive either way.

* * *

**A/N - *sigh* - that is all...**


	7. Chapter 6

**Author's Note - This is rated M for a reason, there will be language, lemons and sensitive issues. **

**Shout Outs - Txgal77 & Madaboutforks have been bribed into pre-reading and TheMightyRen & missmez have jumped on the bandwagon to beta. **

_Disclaimer: __Twilight and its characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended._

* * *

'_Faint light of dawn, I'm listening to you breathing in and breathing out  
Needing nothing  
You're honey dipped, you are beautiful, floating clouds, soft words  
I can't feel my lips'_

'_Don't Bring Me Down' by Sia_

* * *

**Chapter 6**

I woke to the soft sound of rustling leaves. My eyes were burning from lack of sleep and my head felt heavy with weariness. Jake lay beside me, still lost in a dream, his eyes twitched, but his breathing was shallow and rhythmic. The sun was just rising and the light filtered in through the tent, illuminating Jake in all his naked glory. Instantly thoughts of last night began playing in my mind; his fingertips trailing over the curve of my hip and the dip in my belly, palms caressing my breasts cautiously, lips breathing muffled promises into mine. Desperate hearts and equally desperate hands clutching for something to hold on to, to anchor each other to this moment in time, neither of us knowing whether it would be fleeting or not. Yet we exchanged adoring gazes and affectionate embraces.

The physical reminders of last night were few; a burning ache between my legs, a few ardent kisses bruising my neck and shadows of grasps that were too firm on my arms. They would heal and disappear, but the memory would certainly not.

I raised Jake's heavy arm from around my waist and lifted off the thick sleeping bag. The morning chill bit at my skin, I reached over him to grab my clothes that littered the floor of the tent. I quickly shrugged on my t-shirt and sweater, not even bothering to find my bra. I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head as if to physically remove the image in my head; Jake's eyes on my chest, as I took that very bra off last night. My underwear was within reach so I quickly slipped back into them, wincing as the dull twinge between my thighs protested my movement.

I accidently elbowed Jake in the chest as I pulled my underwear over my hips and he began to stir.

His eyes suddenly fluttered open, his dark lashes framing those soulful eyes as he squinted, waiting to adjust to the faint morning light.

He licked his lips and studied my expression before speaking. "Hey."

I smiled awkwardly at his attempt to be casual, blushing at the realisation that not only could he recollect what I looked like naked, but he was also the single person who has ever touched every inch of my body.

"Good morning," I mumbled self consciously, meeting his gaze for exactly three seconds before examining a loose thread on my sweater. This thread was so interesting, in fact, that I completely turned all my attention to it now, tugging at it with shaky fingers.

Jake sensed my nerves and reached out, taking my hand in his, willing my gaze to meet his again. "Bells?" he prompted, turning my palm over and placing a kiss in the centre, the heat from his lips making me flinch. "Are you ok?"

I nodded meekly.

Jake pulled himself up to a sitting position; my eyes immediately fell to his crotch where the sleeping bag was barely covering his hips. "I'll put my pants on if that'd make you more comfortable Bells."

I sighed. "I'm sorry. This is just…" I rattled on, not really sure what I wanted to say. I reached over to where his shorts were at the foot of the sleeping bag, not realising I only had underwear on. Jake was getting a front row seat to my ass, not that it mattered; he'd seen it all last night. My face flushed again. I handed Jake his shorts and looked away when he lifted the sleeping bag off his bottom half.

A distant howl broke the silence and Jake was instantly on his feet.

"Jake? Is everything ok?" I asked.

"Yeah, it's just Seth. He's gonna take over for me and make sure you're safe." His jaw clenched, his unease of leaving me in someone else's hands showing through.

Then it dawned on me, where was Quil? Oh God, surely he wasn't here too. I never even thought about it last night, Jake just showed up out of the blue and I didn't think to ask about Quil.

"Um, Jake? Where's Quil? And I thought Sam ordered you to switch places? But you came anyway?" The questions tumbled out one after the other. Had he defied a direct order from his Alpha?

I pulled my jeans on and when I looked up, Jake had an infuriated look on his face. "Yeah… He _did_ order me," he bit back, a mocking spiteful laugh escaping his lips. "Told him to go to hell. Doesn't matter Bells, I'd do anything to make sure you were safe. I knew it was too cold, even without reading Quil's thoughts. He offered to keep you warm, but I threatened to break his teeth." A smirk crept onto his lips and my heart fluttered in response.

He finally reached out and pulled me into an embrace. It felt the same, completely familiar, but the dynamic between us had shifted. I knew he felt it too.

Jake's hands cupped my face and lifted it up to look at him, his brows creased with worry. He swallowed thickly and asked, "Why didn't you tell me?"

I knew exactly what he was asking; there was no need for clarification. He wanted to know why I hadn't told him I had asked Edward for a break. I was stupid not to realise that he would read Quil's thoughts as soon as they phased. I didn't know how much of the conversation that followed would have been relayed to him, but I was praying that Jake wasn't aware of the fact Quil had told me the depths of Jake's feelings. I wasn't sure what to do with that information.

_He drowns in you._ The words replayed in my mind over and over. How could I be so reckless with Jake? How did I manage to let things go so far, to the point of no turning back? I felt sick and folded my arms over my stomach instinctively.

His hands left my cheeks and he rubbed them over my shoulders and grasped the tops of arms with a firm grip. "Bella, why?" His frustration was evident in his glare.

"I'm sorry, I should have told you right away. I mean I was going to but then you had to leave and all the plans got turned upside down and…" I trailed off.

He shook his head from side to side. "This is the kind of information you announce, like, really loudly. It's kinda important news." His hands slid all the way down my arm till they reached my fingertips and he laced his fingers with mine, bringing them up to his mouth where he placed a chaste kiss. He smiled leaning forward to bring his lips to mine, I felt his warm breath of my mouth and as eager as I was to melt into him, my mind yelled at me to stop. I was only going to make it worse. Although how much worse could it be? I'd made love with my best friend who was now standing before me thinking we finally had a chance. But we didn't. Not yet. Or maybe not ever. I just didn't know.

I pulled back from him just as his mouth pressed against mine. I instantly regretted it, this may have been the last time I ever got a chance to kiss Jacob Black. A sob broke from my chest at that thought.

"Jake," I began, nerves eating away at my insides. "I need to be fair to you and explain it. Edward and I are on a break, we didn't _break up_."

He narrowed his eyes at me.

"What's the fucking difference exactly?" he asked, annoyed and angry. "Cause you sorta fucked your _friend_ last night, which I'm thinkin' is the kinda thing you do after a break _up_." His harsh sarcasm was like a slap on the face, and it hurt. I guess I deserved it. I winced and his jaw tensed in response. I knew he didn't really want to hurt me, but then again I'd hurt _him_ countless times, it was only fair that karma found its retribution.

He ran his hands through his hair, pulling at it in frustration and clenching his eyes shut. When he opened them, he walked right to the door of the tent, unzipped it, and strode out into the snow. A gust of freezing air filled the space and I quickly pulled on my socks and boots, leaving them untied, and grabbed my jacket, pulling it on as I walked out to calm him down.

He was pacing, looking down at the ground, fists clenched by his sides. I approached slowly and reached out to him but he shrugged me away.

"I'm sorry Jake. If I could take it back I w…" He cut me off before I could finish.

"Don't," he yelled. "Don't you fucking _dare_ say that." He was livid, his chest heaving with laboured breaths and his wounded expression showed me just how much I hurt him. Again.

"I would never take it back. Not even if it could never happen again," he whispered, so quietly that I barely heard it.

"Oh Jake. I don't regret _what_ happened, I just feel awful about _how_ it happened." He kept walking away from me, every time I stepped closer, he took two steps back. Ironically that must be how he felt about me, that every time he thought we got closer, I would do something to tear us further apart.

"Jake, look at me. Please," I begged.

"Why?" he asked. "So you can tell me you choose _him_ all over again? Cause I haven't heard it enough times?"

"I just want to make it right."

He bellowed out a mocking laugh. "You want to make it right? It'll _never_ be right. Nothing will ever be right, because _he_ exists."

That was true. Had Edward not existed, I'm certain Jake and I would be wrapped in one another, sitting on the loveseat in his garage, watching the snow fall.

"I don't want to hurt you anymore Jake."

He shook his head stubbornly. That spiteful look in his eyes when we locked gazes made my stomach drop.

"You don't want to hurt me? But you're so fucking good at it Bella, what would you do with yourself if I wasn't here for you to torture?" He continued his pacing, clenching his hands into tight fists then shaking them out again in agitation. "You know, you've ripped my heart out so many times already, I'm surprised there's still one beating in there for you."

My eyes burned with tears that were threatening to fall. "I'm sorry," I sobbed.

He came to stand before me and I could see he was struggling to keep himself composed. I felt the tears run down my cheeks as he reached out and wiped them away with his thumb.

"I'm sorry too. I'm sorry that I love you so fucking much that I can't see past you. I wish I could just let you go Bella, but I _can't._ I know I _should_. At least I'd hold on to my sanity." His honesty knocked the breath out of me for a few seconds, and I was trying really hard to hold it together. "I can't… take this anymore," he finally revealed.

"I _do_ love you Jake," I confirmed. I _did._ Iloved him, and he needed to know that this wasn't one sided.

"But not enough." He stated simply.

It wasn't a question, it was more of an observation.

I shrugged and shook my head feebly. "I don't even know what enough _is_."

And I honestly didn't. How do you qualify love? Can you? How would I know if it _was _enough?

Jake had turned away from me again, he couldn't stand to look at me. "I thought last ni.." He suddenly snapped his mouth shut and a few seconds later Seth walked through the trees towards us with a cautious expression.

"Hey guys," he greeted awkwardly, his eyes darting between Jake and I. It wouldn't have taken a genius to sense the tension.

"Hi Seth," I replied. He smiled in return.

"Um, Jake. Sam wants you to get back right away, they're all in the forest by the clearing."

Jake nodded curtly, frustrated at his alpha's order that ended our confrontation. I on the other hand, was grateful for it.

"Seth, you watch Bella like your life depends on it, ok?" he instructed, pointing at Seth's chest menacingly. Seth put his hands up defensively and nodded, smirking at Jake's intense stare.

Jake walked back into the tent and when he returned, he was holding the jacket he'd been wearing the previous night. He walked over to me and draped it over my shoulders on top of the layers I was already wearing.

"I have to go," he whispered in my hair as he pulled me into an embrace.

I nodded into his bare chest, tears spilling over his warm skin. My heart screamed at me to do something but my head was rationalising that I'd done enough to hurt him. He was leaving to go to battle with the undead, even though everyone was adamant it would be an easy win, I was still petrified. What if something happened? What if someone was hurt or, God forbid, _killed_? I swallowed down on the lump in my throat. What if something happened to Jake? I couldn't let this be our final goodbye.

He'd already begun walking away, and I could sense he was just as disappointed at this half hearted farewell as I was. My heart overrode my head and I followed after him through the winding trees till I could finally see him again.

"Jake!" I called after him. He stopped dead in his tracks. His shoulders slumped and he dropped his head. I waited for him to say something, to turn around, but he didn't move, not even an inch.

My heart pounded in my chest and my mouth opened and I spoke with out it registering in my head.

"Kiss me Jake."

His head immediately snapped upright but he refused to turn around. His hands curled into fists by his side, urging his self control.

"I want you to kiss me. Please," I begged.

And that was it. That was all it took and in several strides he closed the gap between us and his lips crashed onto mine knocking the breath from my lungs. His hand forcefully found its way into the hair at the nape of my neck, pulling at it. His other, was wrapped around my waist, palm splayed on the small of my back pulling me into him so hard that I couldn't tell where I ended and he began. I surrendered to him, filling my equally ardent kisses with every ounce of love I held for him. I owed it to him, to show him, that it was there, I just didn't know what to do with it.

Jake finally broke the kiss leaving me panting in his mouth. His forehead pressed against mine, eyes imploring me to say more. I couldn't, I wasn't capable of speaking right now. If I opened my mouth I wasn't sure what would come out, what I would tell him, or promise him. So I bit down on my lip and I felt tears stream down my cheeks. But, they were not mine.

I closed my eyes from the intensity of his glare, squeezed them shut, hoping to somehow shut the world out with it. Jake's lips gently touched my forehead, mouthing the word _goodbye,_ and then he was gone. I refused to open my eyes; I couldn't bear to watch him walk away.

I stood there, on the mountain top, my eyes still firmly shut, for the longest time. Seth finally came to check if I was ok. I wasn't, very far from it in fact. He led me back to the camp site and guided me back inside the tent. He told me it was nearly time, so he'd go phase and stay close by.

I sat on the sleeping bag, my knees twitching nervously, and my heart beating rapidly. I kept playing out worst case scenarios in my head and was making myself sick with worry. I folded my arms over my chest and lay down. Instantly the lingering smell of Jake made me clutch at the material of the sleeping bag. I wished I'd said something. I couldn't take it back now. Why didn't I just tell him one last time that I _did_ love him? Fear gripped at my throat and I could hardly breathe.

It was eerily calm when suddenly Seth began whining. I wished I knew what was happening.


	8. Chapter 7

**Author's Note - This is rated M for a reason, there will be language, lemons and sensitive issues. **

**Shout Outs - ****Txgal77**** & ****Madaboutforks**** have been bribed into pre-reading and ****TheMightyRen**** & ****missmez**** have jumped on the bandwagon to beta. **

**Reminder NB: in this story vampires will bleed when injured and need to feed to recover, because Really SM? Vampires made of stone? That just doesn't float my boat.**

_Disclaimer: Twilight and its characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended._

* * *

'_I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose  
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose'_

'_I Will Remember You' by Sarah McLachlan_

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**Chapter 7**

The trip back down the mountain felt like an eternity.

After much anticipation and anxiety, Seth had informed me that everything did indeed go to plan; the newborn army had been eradicated and Victoria was dead.

I noticed the plumes of purple smoke immediately and felt relief wash over me. Was it really all over?

I'd been living in fear for so long; I'd forgotten what it was like to be weightless without burden. It was like a thick fog that clung to everything, to every single aspect of my life. And now, to think that it had finally lifted, I was hopeful that everything would somehow fall into place, that I would discover who I am and where I belong. I often wondered whether this is where I'd be had my life _not_ been under constant threat, if I would have made the choices I did, that led me to this exact moment.

Hindsight proved futile, it didn't matter anyway. I couldn't change the past even if I wanted to, so I refused to dwell in it.

Seth had phased to take me down to the clearing; it would be faster this way and I was eager to get down there and see for myself that everyone was unharmed. Besides, I wasn't up for much conversation, Jake's and my farewell still weighing heavily on my mind.

I sat on Seth's back, his fur grasped firmly in my hands. He was bolting through the forest, weaving between the tree trunks and jumping over debris easily with his nimble agility. I concentrated on the billowing smoke above me, using it as a guide to gauge how close we were.

Every step closer my heart thumped harder in my chest and my head swam. Edward and Jake would both be there; who do I go to?

Nausea churned in my stomach at the inevitable loss of one of the most important people in my life. This _was_ going to happen; there was no way around it, unless I gave them both up. I wished I was a better person, a girl that _could_ make the ultimate sacrifice and do just that; give them both up. But I knew I'd never survive it, I also knew that neither of them would accept it.

We finally reached the edge of the clearing and the smell from the burning limbs overwhelmed me. I immediately unwound my fingers from Seth's fur, jumped off and ran forward, no destination in mind, just propelled myself towards the friends who'd battled to save my life.

Alice and Jasper stood closest to me and Alice flitted to my side is a flash, hugging me a little too tightly. Her porcelain skin was covered in dark red smudges on her upper arms, I looked over as Jasper and noticed the splotches on his green shirt - it had to be blood.

"It's all fine Bella, they're taken care of."

I nodded numbly while my eyes darted around restlessly; trying to mentally tally everyone to make sure they were all accounted for.

My eyes met Jake's for a few seconds; he was still in his wolf form, over the far side of the clearing, pacing with agitation. My chest became tight as I saw Edward approaching in my peripheral vision. He extended his arms and wrapped them around my waist, pulling me into his chest. My face instinctively found the crook of his neck and his delicious scent invaded my senses. I inhaled subconsciously, like an addict, always waiting for the next hit.

Then I gasped into his throat, swallowing down on the guilt of what I'd done last night with Jake. Did he know? Had he heard Jake's thoughts?

"God, Bella! I'm so glad you're alright." His voice was thick with concern and his breath on my ear made my body react with goose bumps. He kissed the place where my shoulder met my neck and I shivered at his cool touch. He stilled for a second and I waited for some sign that he knew, but there was nothing to suggest he did.

I lifted my face from Edward's neck and rose on my toes, responding to his embrace with a squeeze of my own. When I opened my eyes and looked over his shoulder, Jake was standing motionless, glaring at me across the clearing with a wounded expression. I could tell he was hurting, even in his wolf form; they were still _his_ eyes, exactly the same, with precisely the same familiarity.

What followed was a complete blur at the time, but my memory of it is crystal clear, running through the sequence like frames of a film.

One of the newborn vampires had been left behind; he snuck out from his hiding place and stalked towards Leah who was closest to him. Jake's head snapped in her direction and his paws propelled him forward in the blink of an eye. He growled with his bared teeth and lunged toward the vampire, knocking Leah out of his path in the process.

Jake's huge jaw locked around the vampire's chest, but he managed to swing around and out of Jake's grasp. Before Jake could manage to spin back around, the vampire gripped around Jake's middle and he clamped his strong arms down, he then threw Jake's limp body against the rock face behind him. A horrible howl of agony broke through the air followed by a heavy thud as his lifeless body dropped to the ground completely naked in human form, blood covering his russet skin.

My heart stopped. The seconds ticked by as I waited for some sign of life from him. Nothing. No miniscule movement or sound.

Emmett and Jasper fled to the stray vampire in an instant and tore him apart, his blood splattering over Emmett's ivory skin. They threw his remains into the pile that was still burning.

I turned out of Edward's embrace and attempted to run forward. I didn't realise I was screaming, the only sound that registered was my heart thumping behind my ears instead of my cries. Edward held me back by my forearms and I struggled to break free. The only thought that occupied my mind was whether Jake would survive this.

The pack were by Jake's side immediately, Sam, Quil and Embry in their human form while the rest remained as wolves, standing protectively in a circular formation around Jake's broken and bloody body.

"Let me go," I yelled through clenched teeth at Edward.

"Bella, I think it's best you don't go near that." The tone in his voice was as smooth as always, never wavering or revealing an ounce of worry.

I sobbed harder, still in the confines of Edwards grasp. "Let. Me. Go," I repeated, each word exaggerated separately.

He released my arms and I ran as fast as my legs would carry me across the expanse of the clearing.

I reached Jake and two wolves parted allowing me to step into the circle. I clasped my hand over my mouth as sobbed at the sight before me, my knees giving in and I crumbled to the damp cold ground, right beside Jake's motionless body. My trembling hand reached out to touch him, but instead I curled my fingers into my palm, my nails digging into my flesh, the pain reminding me that this was indeed happening and I wasn't imagining it.

Carlisle was kneeling on the opposite side of Jake his fingers on his neck, feeling for a pulse.

Everyone was holding a collective breath, waiting for a response on his condition. Carlisle continued to move over Jake's throat, his fingertips searching for even the faintest sign of life.

"He has a pulse. Just barely but it is there," he announced. "We need to get him out of here, stop the bleeding and reset his bones."

Nausea rose in my throat and I swallowed down on it, the vision of his mangled body evoking a physical reaction. Jake's entire right side was covered with gashes that were oozing blood. His ribs were crushed; two of them had punctured through his skin and were protruding outside his chest. His right cheek was black with bruising and so swollen that I couldn't even see his eye, and his mouth bled out the side.

I swatted my tears away with the back of my hand and placed the other one on Jake's shoulder. "I'm here Jake," I whispered, wishing my words would somehow reach him, provide him with some sort of comfort. But he was unconscious. The last thing I had said to him on the mountain, besides asking him to kiss me, was that I didn't know what _enough_ was. I wished I could rewrite our goodbye, and fill it with words of love instead of unspoken doubt.

Sam rolled Jake on his back and crossed his arms over his chest as the rest of the pack, who'd now all phased back to human form, lifted Jake up carefully to carry him out of the clearing. I rose to my feet wrapping my arms around my middle, I was certain I'd literally fall apart if I didn't. Jake's arm slid off his chest and fell by his side, completely lifeless. I stepped forward taking his large hand in mine, I kissed his palm while tears streamed down my cheeks, mingling with the splatters of his blood and creating a pool of pink water in the center of his hand. I returned his arm to his chest, running my fingers along his forearm as I pulled away. He was so cold, his skin felt totally foreign to me.

His hands. The last time I'd felt them, they were frantically pulling me tighter against his chest, and tangled in my hair gripping at it while he kissed me with urgency. So warm, always warm. But not now.

Rosalie had brought Emmett's truck around to the clearing and Jake was placed in the back after Carlisle had wrapped some makeshift bandages around his wounds. The blood seeped through right away and it was evident how much blood he was losing. His body was trying to repair the wounds but his protruding bones needed to be reset before he skin could heal over the gaping holes.

"Wait," Alice yelled from behind me.

When I spun around to look at her, her expression was blank and her eyes focusing on nothing specific. She was having a vision.

"The Volturi are coming," she stated. "Soon," she said, answering an unspoken question.

Carlisle instructed Sam to drive Jake to Billy's, assuring him he'd be right behind them. Every minute Jake was left with an open wound, he was losing more blood.

"Carlisle, please. You have to go help Jake," I pleaded as his eyes moved from me to his family.

The Cullen's gathered together, Carlisle leading the discussion on how they would handle this.

"They knew of the newborns, they chose to do nothing about it," Alice divulged. There was a silent exchange between her and Edward, the intensity of their stares indicating the dire circumstances.

"What is it?" I asked, with urgency in my tone. There was no time to waste, Jake's life was hanging in the balance and this was not the time to procrastinate.

"You're still human Bella," Edward said pinching the bridge of his nose. "We assured them you would be changed."

"Bella you have to go, you can't be here when they come. Now!" Alice shouted.

"Carlisle. What about Jake?" I asked, a sob breaking in my throat at the mention of Jake's name.

Carlisle's brow was knitted with concern and he shook his head slightly. "I'm sorry Bella, I have to be here to deal with the Volturi. I will get to Jake as soon as I can, I promise you."

Fresh tears pricked at my eyes. "Please," I begged, "You _have_ to help him."

"Of course Bella, but this situation with the Volturi must be defused. I can not risk leaving my family to face them alone."

I was at a loss. There was nothing I could do.

Quil's hands were on my shoulders pulling me backwards. "Come on Bella, we have to get you outta here."

I squeezed my eyes shut, urging those tears to fall before I gathered myself together again. "Ok," I replied, "Let's go."

Edward took my hand but I pulled it out of his grip and turned and ran in the opposite direction. Quil had phased and I hopped on his back grasping his fur in my hands and he bolted towards La Push.

When we finally arrived at Billy's house, there were people gathered on the porch, I ran right up the steps not bothering to acknowledge anyone. I felt every set of eyes burn into my back as I pulled the door open.

Billy was in the kitchen by the table, a cup of water in his trembling hands. I walked over to him and he looked into my eyes with a vacant expression. His heavy brow weighed down with the fear for his only sons life.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered as I took his hand in mine and gave it a squeeze.

Billy didn't respond - a slight nod of his head to acknowledge me, but otherwise silent.

I raced down the hall to Jake's room, Sam was standing over him and Sue was by his side holding a towel to his chest. His blood was seeping into the material of the towel rapidly, changing its color from blue to red before my eyes.

I pushed past Sam and dropped to my knees beside Jake, placing my palm over his heart. I had the rhythm of his heartbeat memorized, I'd listened to it as often as I did his breathing, but I didn't recognize _this_ beating; it was labored and strained, and empty and listless. My tears kept a steady flow from my eyes, running down over my cheeks and dripping on Jake's arm, I brushed them away with my fingertips. I pressed my lips against his right shoulder and closed my eyes; my palm still resting over his heart, where _he'd_ placed it so many times before.

"Carlisle will be here soon," I mumbled.

I looked up at his face; the swelling on his cheek had diminished a fraction, the bruising settling down to a yellowish color the way a normal person's would after a few days. The deep gashes that were etched into his side were showing signs of closing up and mending, but he continue to ooze blood through the cavity in his chest wall.

I noticed his eyes fluttering and I gasped. I turned to tell Sue and Sam, but it was only then that I realized I was alone in here with Jake. His lashes moved ever so slightly and I waited with bated breath for his eyes to open. My hand trembled on his chest, the other hovering near his face, waiting for some other sign of him coming to.

"Jake," I said in a low voice, "Open your eyes."

His brows twitched and he lifted his lids open, he turned his face to focus on mine and the sight of his glorious chocolate colored eyes made me sob out loud with relief.

"Oh God, Jake!" I exclaimed. "Are you ok?"

He attempted to take a deep breath and winced in sheer agony as the broken bones in his chest protested his movement.

"Can't breathe," he managed to say in a strangled voice. "Hurts… like a fucking bitch."

His potty mouth made me smile. "I bet it does. Try not to move, Carlisle should be here soon."

He lifted his left hand and put it on top of mine, still positioned over his heart. "It's over," he said, clenching his jaw and grimacing at the pain.

I shook my head from side to side slowly. "No it's not. The Volturi came, I don't know what's happening and…" I cut off with a sob again. "I'm sorry. About everything."

"Shh," he soothed. He clenched his eyes, his forehead furrowing as he tried to fight the pain. But it was futile; it was painted all over his face.

"I'll get your dad," I said as I stood to my feet.

He grasped my hand firmly in his. "I want you to stay," he proclaimed.

I nodded meekly. "I will, I promise. But your dad needs to see that you're gonna be ok."

I turned to walk away but he kept his grip on my hand.

"Bella." I spun my head and met his gaze, his eyes searched mine, anxiously imploring me for something. "Never mind," he finally said, letting my hand fall and clutching at his side.

I ran into the kitchen calling for Billy. "He's ok, it's all going to be ok." He _was _going to be ok, I was sure of it. But I wasn't certain if everything else was going to be.

I pushed Billy's chair down the hall into Jake's room and positioned him right beside the bed. I noticed Billy's eyes well with tears as he grasped Jake's hand. "Son," he said simply, conveying his utter relief through his gaze alone.

"I'll just be in the kitchen," I whispered, not wanting to interrupt their moment.

As soon as I reached the kitchen the front door swung open and Sam walked in with Carlisle.

"Oh thank God!" I sighed. "This way," I instructed.

Carlisle had come prepared, he had his usual doctors bag in one hand and a box of supplies in the other; bandages, gauze, syringes, IV's and bags of fluid.

I led him into Jake's room and he immediately began to remove the towels from Jake's side. I clasped my hand over my mouth when I caught a glimpse of the bones sticking out of his chest wall, nausea churned in my stomach as the metallic scent of his blood assaulted me.

Billy and Carlisle had a silent exchange; gratitude on Billy's part and apologies on Carlisle's. The tension in Billy's body was evident, he was after all, dealing with a natural enemy of the Quileute tribe, but none the less, his enemy was now his ally.

Jake's face twisted in pain as Carlisle inspected his wounds. I instinctively took a few steps forward to stand near Jake, reaching out to him and he took my hand in his, crushing my fingers as he reacted to the ache in his chest.

"I'm going to inject you with morphine Jacob. I'm not certain what the dosage should be considering your higher body temperature, but please let me know if you need more."

Jake nodded, sweat beading on his forehead. He turned to me and asked, "Bells, can you stay?"

"Of course," I replied, eager to do whatever little I could to help.

Carlisle took the vial of clear fluid in his hand and unwrapped the syringe. He poked the needle through and pulled back the plunger filling it with the pain killer. Jake extended his arm, clenching and unclenching his fist while a tourniquet was tied around his bicep. Carlisle flicked the syringe with his finger and squeezed a drop out and proceeded to push the needle into Jake's raised vein.

I felt Jake instantly relax in my grip as his eyes began to lose their focus. Carlisle called for Sam and Paul to come and assist him, Sam held down Jake by his legs and Paul stood behind the head of the bad and placed his hands on Jake's shoulders. I remained by Jake's side, my hand rubbing soothing circles on his arm.

Carlisle nodded at Sam and Paul to brace Jake, and he began to open Jake's chest cavity and push the bones back in with his gloved hand. Instantly Paul pushed down on Jake's shoulders with all his might, his biceps bulging with the effort. Sam mimicked Paul's action, his hand firmly gripping Jake's legs, pinning him to the bed. Jake cried out in agony, his eyes clenched shut with tears streaming from the corners, his lips curled into a grimace as cursed and screamed violently.

My heart squeezed in my chest at the sight of him like this, I leaned into the side of his face, my mouth on his ear and whispered words of comfort, my hand resting on his opposite cheek as I wiped his tears away with my fingers.

"Shh," I pleaded, "It'll be over soon Jake, please just hold on."

He grit his teeth, his breathing heavy and labored, and sobbed silently as Carlisle reset his broken bones. Carlisle injected Jake a second time, the process more tedious than Carlisle had originally anticipated, and Jake's eyes almost rolled back.

He was utterly high, a welcome relief from his pain.

I sat by his side the entire time, focusing on his face and the little wrinkles at the corners of his eyes every time he winced in response to Carlisle's ministrations. I didn't dare look.

Once Jake's chest was stitched up, Carlisle carefully taped up the entire side with gauze and left a bottle of pain killers by the bed. I walked Carlisle out to his car, Billy was on the porch and he shook his hand and gave thanks.

I followed Carlisle to his black Mercedes; he set his case on the front seat. "What happened with the Volturi?" I asked with trepidation.

He narrowed his eyes before responding. "We told them the plan to change you was still in place; that it will be right after you graduate."

A lump rose in my throat and I swallowed down on it hard.

"Bella, there is no need for hasty decisions, we will find a way to protect you if you decide that this is _not_ what you want."

Relief washes over me and I nodded. "Thank you. For everything."

"He will be alright Bella. He should heal in the next few days." He touched my shoulder lightly and smiled. "Will you be staying or can I drive you somewhere?"

Jake needed me and I was not going to abandon him. "I'm staying here. Thanks for the offer," I replied. "Can you please tell Edward I'll be here for a few days?"

"Of course Bella."


	9. Chapter 8

**Author's Note - This is rated M for a reason, there will be language, lemons and sensitive issues. **

**Shout Outs - ****Txgal77**** & ****Madaboutforks**** have been bribed into pre-reading and ****TheMightyRen**** & ****missmez**** have jumped on the bandwagon to beta. **

**Extra spesh fist bumps to Txgal77 & Missmez for steering me thru the madness that was writing this chapter. They read & re-read this till their eyes bled, i repay them in Tayporn!**

_Disclaimer: Twilight and its characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended._

* * *

'_And with the truth in your hands, __you concealed it with your lies  
In this moment we drowned, lost more than we ever found.'_

'_Aftersun' by Massive Attack_

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**Chapter 8**

When I returned to Jake's room, he was out cold. The second dose of morphine flooded his system and incapacitated him. I was thankful for that, the more rest he got, the faster he would heal.

I took the opportunity to call Charlie, as far as he was aware I was still at the Cullen's house having a girl's weekend with Alice. I managed to reach him at the station, he'd been working all weekend, and I explained to him that Jake had slipped and fallen onto sharp rock face whilst cliff diving. His injuries could be explained away with this excuse, so I sold it as best I could. It worked, he believed me. I let him know that I would be staying here till Jake was able to fend for himself again, he agreed and told me he'd come by the following day to visit.

I made some sandwiches for the remaining people; Billy, Embry and Quil. The others had dispersed once they received confirmation that Jake would be ok, all going home for a well deserved rest. There was no further immediate danger, and for the first time in a long time, everyone could breathe easy.

I placed a few sandwiches on a plate and set it on Billy's lap; he took my hand in both of his. "Bella, it means the world to him that you're here. Thank you."

I smiled numbly at his utter honesty. "Dad said he'll come by tomorrow," I replied. "And… I'll stay as long as Jake needs me," I tacked on.

I made my way back to the small bedroom with a tall glass of water, he had to be parched, and I placed it on the bedside table next to his painkillers. Picking up the small bottle I read the label – Oxycontin, I didn't know much about prescription drugs but I did know these were very strong, which I guess was a good thing considering Jake's supernatural nature.

I pulled the chair up beside the bed and sat down, resting my elbows on the edge of the mattress and inspecting the angry pink lines on Jake's torso that now replaced the gashes that were carved into his side, the hole Carlisle mended in his ribcage secured with gauze and tape. I gently ran the pad of my index finger over them, revelling in the smoothness of the newly formed scars. He certainly did heal at an unnatural speed, which served extremely well in the case of broken bones and torn skin. He flinched a little in his sleep at my touch.

I was completely exhausted; both mentally and physically, I wasn't sure how I was managing to keep my eyes open. I lay my head down on the mattress by Jake's arm and closed my eyes; they burned from the lack of sleep and the abundance of tears I'd shed.

By the time I woke it was dark in the room, but I could feel Jake's eyes on me, as well as his fingers tracing the line of my jaw. The moonlight filtered in through the window above his bed, shedding just enough glow to highlight the grin on his lips.

"You stayed," he stated plainly.

"Yes. I promised I would."

He nodded. "I know, but I wasn't sure you actually _would_."

I lifted my head from the bed and his palm lay on my cheek now, the warmth that I craved from him returning ever so slightly. I placed my hand over his, turning my face so that my lips rested on his wrist. I murmured into his soft skin, "You feel like… well, like _you_ again."

"And what exactly is that?" he asked, his thumb brushing over my cheek.

I wasn't sure how to explain it, it wasn't just the temperature. "Well you're warm again. But it's more than that, it's… it's just a Jacob thing."

He quirked an eyebrow, like he was trying to decipher what that meant exactly. Then he swallowed thickly and asked, "Are you staying the night?"

I was. I didn't know what capacity he wanted me there in, but I was staying regardless. I'd come too close to losing him to let him out of my sight just yet.

"Uh huh," I answered softly. I reached for the water on the bedside table and offered it to him; he took the straw between his lips and drank three quarters of the glass.

"I'm glad," he replied, adjusting himself on the bed.

"Me too."

He lifted the cover off the side closest to the wall. "Come on," he instructed, motioning with his head for me to lie beside him.

"Oh. I was going to take your sisters old room," I remarked. "I don't want to risk accidently poking you in the ribs or something."

He frowned, I could just barely notice in the dim light. My heart squeezed in my chest.

"Please?" he asked quietly.

How could I say no to that? "Ok."

I slipped my sweater over my head and kicked my shoes off. I carefully kneeled on the bed and lifted one leg at a time over his to position myself by his side, facing him. Jake reached down and entwined his fingers with mine, pulling them up to his lips and placing a kiss on my knuckles.

"Goodnight Bells," he breathed against my forehead.

"Night Jake."

I listened to his breathing - his inhale and exhale singing in my head like a lullaby, one that I'd heard so many times before. Right now it was the most comforting sound in the world - his breath spelled life and I savoured it after he'd come so close to death.

I woke in a heavy daze, the mattress moving beneath me as Jake tried to sit up in bed.

"Jake, are you ok," I asked.

He cringed at the movement in his freshly healing wound. "Yeah, I just need to go to the bathroom," he replied in a strained voice.

"Oh! Do you want me to help you?"

"Sure, sure, you can hold it for me Bells," he joked as he gripped his side to keep it still. "Fuck, Goddammit - that fucking hurts."

I rose to my knees on the edge of the bed behind him and ran my hand over his back in a soothing gesture. I felt him relax under my touch and he dropped his head forward, a muffled sound escaping from his throat.

"Do you want some more pills?" I asked and glanced over at his clock. It was 3am.

"Yeah I guess so," he replied. "I don't wanna feel all light headed and shit."

"Hey, but they dull the pain right?"

"I guess," he said as I reached over to the nightstand for the bottle. I tipped out two tablets, placed them in his hand and handed him the water.

He swallowed them obediently making his way to the bathroom, clutching his side with every step, using his good arm. I went to the kitchen and refilled his glass with water and tiptoed back down the hall into his room.

Jake was standing beside the bed as I set the glass down. "You ok?" I asked

He nodded wearily, "Uh huh." He was swaying slightly and his eyes were heavy lidded, the drugs were quick.

I took his hand and sat him on the edge of the bed. "Ok, I'll help you lay down," I told him as I pushed back against his chest, one arm behind his back lowering him down on the pillow.

"Oww," he winced.

"I'm so sorry," I said, apologising to him for his pain.

"Not your fault." He muttered.

It was. It was completely my fault. None of this would ever have happened if it wasn't for me and _I _for one would never forget that.

I lifted his legs off the floor and placed them on the mattress, his brow creased as he attempted to reposition himself, the bed moving with his weight. I climbed up beside him and lay facing him once again. He didn't open his eyes, but gladly took my hand in his when I offered it.

"I love you Bells," he mumbled drifting out of consciousness.

"Love you too Jake," I replied, pressing my lips into our joined hands.

Guilt flooded in my chest and squeezed at my heart. He had handed _his_ heart to me freely and I was careless with it. He deserved so much better, but being the selfish girl I am, I greedily held on to it, not certain whether I could do the same.

The following day we woke to the sun beaming through the small bedroom window, the yellow walls looking so much warmer than usual. Jake was staring at the ceiling, the expression on his face like he was trying to solve some confusing riddle.

"Good morning," I said, stretching my arms over my head.

He was silent. When he turned to face me, his eyes were dark and serious.

"If I didn't get hurt, where would you be right now?" he questioned.

I shook my head, shrugging at the same time. I didn't know the answer.

He let out a frustrated sigh and ran his hand through his hair. His breathing became ragged and he grimaced at the pain. I scooted up and hovered over him, wanting to do _something_ to help him.

"What can I do?" I asked.

"Nothing," he replied.

I reached for the pills and placed two in his palm and the glass in his other hand. "You take these and I'll go get you some food. You must be starving."

I slipped my shoes on after crawling off the bed and made my way to the kitchen. I hadn't heard the voices from Jake's bedroom, but the house was busy with people – Emily cooking what appeared to be pancakes at the stove, Quil and Embry lounging on the couch in front of the TV fighting over the remote, and Billy sitting at the kitchen table with Sue and Sam.

"Good morning," I greeted as they all turned to look over at me. I blushed furiously as Quil nodded suggestively with a sly grin – I had slept in Jake's room last night after all.

"Well technically, it's afternoon," Embry corrected whilst shoving a pancake in his mouth.

"What time is it?" I thought out loud.

Billy smiled and answered. "It's nearly one in the afternoon."

_Wow, how did that happen? _I thought to myself. I guess I needed that sleep more than I realised. My quality of sleep had been horrible to say the least – I suffered from nightmares and the constant threat spilled over into my slumber. I was a restless sleeper at the best of times.

"Jake's awake if you want to go in and see him," I informed them all. I'm sure they were eager to check on him. "He's just had some pain killers though so he may be a little out of it."

Embry and Quil immediately leaped off the couch but I rolled my eyes at them and gestured towards Billy with my hand.

"Thank you Bella," he said, and then he glared at the guys. "You boys can wait."

Billy headed in the direction of Jake's room and I walked over to Emily. "Grab a plate Bella and help yourself."

The pancakes smelled amazing so I reached into the cupboard and took two plates and piled a stack of six onto one plate and two onto the other. I smothered them with maple syrup and grabbed a bottle of juice from the fridge. I stood behind the breakfast bench and began poking at my stack and shovelling forkfuls in my mouth.

Sam stared at me from the kitchen table where he was now seated by himself. Sue had started washing dishes in the sink beside Emily.

"So Jake's ok?" he asked abruptly.

I chewed my mouthful and swallowed before replying. "Yeah, I mean he will be. He's in a lot of pain but the pills are helping dull that I guess."

I always found Sam extremely intimidating; I think it was the whole authorative Alpha vibe. But I was pretty sure it was also the notion that he was the bad guy – well that was before Jake had phased, but the thought of how much Jake loathed him still stayed with me.

Emily had poured me a glass of juice and set it by my side. She laid her hand over mine and gave it a slight squeeze. "I'm glad you're here for him," she whispered behind me.

I was glad I could be here for him too, if this was what little I could offer him, I was thrilled to do it.

Billy came down the hall. "Alright guys, your turn," he said as he wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand. He was so worried about Jake – if he'd lost him during this battle – I doubt he'd survive it.

I quickly finished my pancakes, grabbed the juice and headed back in to Jake's room. Quil and Embry were already in there; Embry had the bottle of painkillers in his hand.

"Dude! You think we can sneak a few of these bad boys?" he asked with enthusiasm. Jake glared at him before rolling his eyes.

I reached over and snatched the bottle out of his hands. "Give me that!" I placed it back on the nightstand and put the plate down beside it. "Here, drink this," I instructed as I held the glass within Jake's reach.

"Thanks," he mumbled.

Quil leaned over and studied Jake face, he then lifted his index finger and raised it in front on Jake's face and proceeded to move it slowly from left to right. "Jake, man! You are so fucking high; your pupils are the size of dinner plates."

I swatted his arm away as Jake wearily turned his head in the opposite direction. I could tell his lids were heavy and he was struggling to keep them open. "Alright guys," I began as I pushed them towards the door, "I think Jake needs to rest now."

"Ah, come on Swan! He's fucking high as a kite. We wanna see his eyes roll back again."

"Out!" I yelled one final time, pushing the boys out and closing the door.

I sat beside Jake on the bed - he was staring out the window with his dazed eyes. "Sorry Jake. I should have thought to feed you first before your pain meds."

"No problem Bells. At least I'm catching up my beauty sleep," he smiled meekly. "Now, pass the pancakes."

I reached over for the plate and held it for him while he ate. He still winced with every swallow, the action moving his chest flaring the pain. He put the fork down and shook his head. "That's enough."

My mouth popped open. "But you've only eaten two pancakes," I complained.

"I'm watching my figure Bells," he teased, winking at me.

It was so good to see him in better spirits, every smile and every joke added to the comfort that he _was_ going to be alright.

"OK. Sam and Emily are here too so should I tell them to come in? Or do you want to sleep?"

"Nah, just send them in for a bit," he said groggily.

I went back into the kitchen, Emily was dutifully wiping down the benches and Sue was putting dried dishes away. Sam still sat at the table, a newspaper open before him, but his eyes focussed on nothing in particular. I hadn't thought about it till then, but he must have taken it pretty hard when Jake got injured – being alpha and all. I mean it's just like his troops went into battle and he nearly lost one of them – that had to sting.

I stood next to Sam - he didn't notice or he didn't acknowledge my presence – either way he jolted at the sound of my voice, breaking him out of his reverie. "Sam, you guys can go in now."

He nodded his head curtly and called after Emily who wiped her hands on the dish cloth hanging on her shoulder and proceeded to follow Sam down the hall.

Billy was positioned in front of the television, not really paying attention to what was playing. Quil and Embry must have chosen the station and then left after seeing Jake.

"Billy, is there anything I can do to help out?" I asked feeling obligated to do something around the house to make myself useful while Jake slept.

Billy's lips curved into a smile, his tan skin gleaming in the afternoon sun from the window to his left. "Bella, you've done more than enough. He's just better when he's with you," he stated so matter-of-factly.

I blushed. That was by far the nicest compliment I had ever received. "I think he does the same to me too, you know?"

He nodded knowingly. "I do."

Billy craned his neck to look through the window after hearing crunching gravel in the driveway. "Is it my dad?" I asked.

"Yep, it's the chief."

I walked over and opened the door for Charlie. He hurried up the porch steps and grabbed me by the shoulders. "Bella, if I ever hear of you cliff diving, you'll be grounded for life."

He then moved past me in Billy's direction. "Goddamn those boys!" he exclaimed through gritted teeth, "If I ever see them on that cliff again I'm gonna clip 'em across the ear myself." And then in the most caring gesture Charlie could muster, he slapped Billy across the back and squeezed at his shoulder - their silent exchange of understanding as lifelong friends made me grin.

"So is Jake up for a quick lecture from Chief Swan?" Charlie asked, referring to himself in the third person.

"Sam and Emily are in there right now," I replied.

Charlie went and sat on the couch in his usual spot and lifted his feet, resting them on the coffee table in front of him.

"Dad," I chastised, "Get your feet off, this isn't your house."

"Bells, I've had shares in this house for more than twenty years," he joked, "This coffee table may as well be mine." I saw Charlie glance at Billy, satisfied that he had made his friend laugh.

Sam and Emily appeared in the lounge, Sam walked over to Charlie who immediately stood to his feet puffing out his chest.

"Chief Swan," Sam nodded.

"Sam," Charlie replied, nodding in return.

Sam turned to Billy while Charlie greeted Emily; he was a lot nicer to her, his voice softened a little. Sam leaned over and spoke to Billy in hushed tones, clearly regarding Jake, Billy's face was stern and brows creased. I wondered what he was saying with intense curiosity – so much so that I didn't hear Emily speaking to me.

"Bella!" Charlie snapped, "Emily was just talking to you."

"Right. Sorry Emily, you were saying?"

She tilted her head to the side. "No problem Bella. I was just saying goodbye," she said as she reached over and wrapped her arms around me into a hug. "You take care now."

I nodded in reply.

"Chief, Bella," Sam farewelled and followed her out the door. Sue left shortly after that.

Charlie went in and visited with Jake for all of five minutes - but he stayed - more for Billy as moral support. I showered, and then spent some time staring at the television – well right through it; nothing was registering in my mind. I rummaged through the fridge and picked out ingredients to make some dinner, there wasn't much of a selection so steak and vegetables would have to suffice.

I kept glancing over at the clock and noticed it was nearing five, this time yesterday Jake was broken and bleeding, being stitched up by Carlisle. Twenty four hours later, his skin had healed over his wounds and his bones were mending of their own accord, courtesy of his genetic werewolf kink – extremely helpful in his current situation.

I thought about Edward, I was sure he would be beside himself with worry – he never liked the thought of me hanging around a pack of 'rabid dogs' as he referred to them. I never believed I was in any danger, I mean no more so than I was at the Cullen's – Jasper proved that to be true. I hadn't been hurt by a werewolf, well not physically at least.

Jake woke in time for dinner, so the four of us shared a meal in the kitchen. I couldn't help but study his face – his expression seemed a little off. I just put it down to him almost being torn apart by a mortal enemy – just your run of the mill problems when you're an object of legends _not_ reality.

Charlie and Billy watched a game on TV after dinner, I cleaned up the mess I'd made pottering about in the kitchen and Jake remained at the kitchen table. He looked tired and withdrawn, even though he'd slept through nearly ninety percent of the day. But he had lost _so_ much blood, it would take a while to replenish his healing body – his lethargy was his body's way of coping and forcing Jake to take the much needed rest.

After I'd finished in the kitchen Charlie decided to was time to make tracks, so he said his goodbyes and trudged outside to his cruiser.

"Come on, I'll take you back to bed Jake," I offered. He was still at the kitchen table, elbow leaning on the edge and his hands holding up his head.

He rose to his feet, his face twisting with fresh waves of pain from the movement – I made a mental note not to forget to give him pain meds.

"I need a shower," he announced flatly. The dressing over his wound was waterproof and wouldn't allow his sutures to get wet. But I wasn't sure whether he actually _could_ shower on his own and images of his naked body flashed behind my eyelids.

"Ok. It might make you feel better."

I followed him to the bathroom and got him a towel out of the linen closet. "Um, do you need help with anything?" I asked nervously.

I waited for a smartass remark – _yeah, you can wash my back_ – or something. But he just shook his head.

"Alright, well just holler if you need me. I mean if you need help," I clarified. An imaginary eye roll followed as I realised how stupid I just sounded. I turned and walked out closing the bathroom door behind me.

I found some clean sheets and stripped Jake's bed, I caught sight of the smears of blood and shivered at the mental image of his bleeding chest and protruding ribs, it was still so vivid in my mind. I took the dirty sheets to the laundry and soaked them in a bucket.

As I walked past the bathroom, I heard the water turn off and a minute later he walked back into the bedroom. The towel was slung low, below the diagonal muscle in his hips, and he was dripping wet.

I swallowed. Hard.

Jake's footprints gleamed on the wooden floor under the light of his lamp. "I… I'll… um, get another towel," I finally managed to say. I grabbed another out of the closet and held it out in front of him.

"I'll give you a minute to change," I mumbled, my cheeks burning slightly.

He sat on the edge of the bed and groaned as he gripped his side. I hurriedly hovered over him. "Jake! Are you ok?"

"Fuck!" he yelled through grit teeth and clenched eyes. "Damn it."

I took the bottle of pills from the night stand and poured two into my palm; I grabbed the water and held them both out to Jake. "Here, it'll help."

He groaned harder when the movement of his right arm aggravated his wounds. But he dutifully swallowed the pills and handed the glass back to me. His head slumped and his fists were clenched tight by his sides.

I picked the extra towel up and began dabbing at his skin, drying him off. I lifted his left arm and wiped over it and did the same with his right. He winced again and I very carefully and gently patted over and around the dressing of his injury. His eyes remained closed but his breathing was becoming more ragged. I continued to dry off his chest and back, the muscles tensing as my hands brushed against his heated skin, and then I ran the towel over his hair.

Jake's eyes opened slowly, already struggling to focus, and he attempted to stand. "No Jake. What do you need? I'll get it."

"Shorts."

I looked down at the towel still secured around his waist. "Oh. Of course," I replied meekly.

I opened the draw he had pointed out and grabbed the cut off sweats that sat on top, and then I held them out to him. "Do you need…"

"No. I got it," he replied, taking the shorts from my hand. He awkwardly held them as low as he could and tried to step into them.

I quickly kneeled in front of him. "Here, let me…"

"I got it!" he snapped. He dropped the shorts on the floor and ran his left hand through his wet hair. He wasn't able to move the right one much I noticed. "I'm sorry," he said thoughtfully.

"Jake. It's ok. I know this must be frustrating for you, but I'll help."

He nodded as I picked the shorts up and held them out so he could step into them one foot at a time. I grabbed him by the elbow to help him stand and he leaned over and pulled them up as I looked in the opposite direction. I threw the towel over the bed-head and helped him lie back on the mattress, lifting his legs while he reclined onto the pillows.

"Bells, can you lay down with me?"

I nodded, "Of course." I pulled my sweater up over my head but left my tank top on, I removed my shoes, and turned off the lamp before pulling my jeans down and replacing them with pyjama shorts from my bag.

I crawled up the bed and settled beside Jake, offering him my hand as per usual. He kissed my knuckles – also a usual occurrence – then spoke. "Why can't you pick me?" his words slurred slightly from the drugs.

The honestly and forwardness of his question caught me off guard, perhaps in his altered state he didn't feel the need to hold back.

"Oh Jake," I sighed into his shoulder as I snuggled closer. "It's really not that simple."

"Yes. It is."

I wasn't sure exactly how to explain it to him. "There's still something there in my heart for _him_," I explained.

Jake winced at the mention of _him_.

"But there's something in there for me too, right?" he asked as he rubbed his thumb over the back of my hand.

"Yes," I managed to choke out.

"And it's more than just you loving me as your best friend, right?"

"Jake."

"Right?" he pressed.

"Yes," I breathed.

He fell silent, as did I. His heart beat rapidly in his chest, almost echoing off of his ribs, mine matched his, as if they were calling to one another. The quiet seconds stretched into minutes.

Finally Jake turned his gaze to me. "I'm tired."

I smoothed his hair back with my palm, I'd never seen him looking so fragile and broken and it pricked at my chest. "I know. Just close your eyes."

"No. I mean I'm tired of it all," he clarified, struggling to hold onto his consciousness. Wetness pooled in his chocolate eyes and I swore that if I saw one tear stream down his cheek, I would just come apart. He didn't need that – not now.

I grit my teeth to compose myself and swallowed thickly. "Shh, it's all fine now."

His eyelids finally closed, too heavy for him to avoid the inevitable, but he was still awake – just barely.

"It's not. I'm still me," he replied in a broken whisper.

My own tears spilled over now – but it was ok, he wouldn't see.

"And that's enough for me." I mouthed the words more than actually spoke them. I didn't know whether he heard them, but it didn't matter either way – it was the first time the simple admission had escaped my mouth.

_Oh my God, __I'm in love with him,_ I thought to myself. It was almost as if it had appeared out of thin air – yet I knew it hadn't.

I had spent so long denying it, overlooking it, brushing it aside or pushing down on it. I was surprised that I was only _now_ actually able to believe it, to know it to be true and know that it was always there – growing and flourishing, and consuming me from the inside out like a quiet fire.

Perhaps the plain fact that I'd nearly lost him for good spurred this overwhelming acknowledgment.

I was _in love_ with Jake. I didn't just love him in the way I'd always believed, it was so much _more_ - further, deeper and stronger than I'd ever allowed myself to see. I had been blinded by my love for Edward, which was different - it was overwhelming, and suffocating and smothering. I didn't know any better - Edward was the first person I'd ever loved, I thought _that_ is what it was _supposed_ to feel like. But I guess it's completely different, almost reflecting the person that those feelings are consumed by.

Jake had fallen asleep, I could tell by his familiar rhythmic breathing.

"I'm in love with you Jake," I whispered, letting the words tumble out of my mouth experimentally. I wasn't sure if I would have the courage to admit that to him again so I savoured every ounce of nerve that I had at this moment and said it out loud – almost as if doing that made it so much more real.

I stared at Jake's sleeping peaceful face for what seemed like hours before I finally drifted off.

I awoke to a gasping from Jake. He was struggling to catch his breath and jolting in his sleep, I could tell because his eyes were still shut, squeezed tight in his distress.

"Jake," I called while trying to hold his face in my hands. "Jake, wake up. Please."

I felt his hot tears run over the backs of my hands; his sobbing got louder and stabbed harder at my heart, twisting the knife with every drip of his tears.

"Shh," I soothed, running my hand over his chest and the other through his hair. "Jake, it's Bells, I'm right here."

I wanted him to hear me, to feel me, sense that I was here for him and that he didn't have to be afraid. But it wasn't working, his body was jerking beneath my hands, as if trying desperately to get away from something.

So I leaned down and hovered over him, I caught his face in my hands once more and placed my mouth over his. I kissed him with a gentle yearning that was bubbling up inside me. I wanted to wash away his fear and pain, breathing my reassurances into him - that everything _was_ going to be okay.

I ghosted soft kisses over his cheeks - tasting the saltiness of his tears, over his jaw, his lids. When I reached his temple his eyes fluttered open and his trembling stopped. The tears kept falling though – slowly escaping the corners of his eyes with every blink.

I moved back slightly, his breathing was still erratic, but he was calming down – his body relaxing beneath my hand, still on his chest.

"It hurts," he murmured.

I didn't know if he was referring to physical wounds or the emotional ones I seemed to keep inflicting on him, it was all the same, he'd had enough.

"Where does it hurt?" I asked, swallowing thickly.

He reached for my palm, which was splayed against his chest and moved it over to cover where his heart pounded, beneath the skin, behind his ribs and now against my hand, the frantic beating telling me things he no longer wanted to say, things I was sure he no longer _could_ say. Wordlessly his eyes begged for more, his gaze falling to my lips before his mouth opened with anticipation.

My breath caught for a split second and without thought or hesitation, I pressed my mouth over his again. Our breaths mingled as our tongues tasted and savoured.

Jake rolled onto his left side to face me, his hand glided up my leg and over my hip, stopping just in the dip of my waist. His large hand squeezed and slunk down my back, pulling me into him as hard as he could. My hand found its way into his hair, grabbing at it and drawing him ever closer, the other dug into his shoulder, the little restraint I had holding me back from relishing in the feel of his skin under my fingertips.

His erection pushed against my thigh, the sensation of his arousal doing things to my insides instinctively, turning my willpower from steel to dust with one buck of his hips.

My knee parted his thighs and hitched up between his legs, pressing against him, and he panted in my mouth in response. My fingers unwound from his hair and travelled down his body, skipping over every single muscle in his chest and stomach, that delicious feeling in the pit of my stomach making itself known with an aching throbbing between my legs.

My roaming hands faltered at the waistband of his shorts, I pulled back from him and his face dropped into the curve of my neck, his lips pressed against my pulse. "I need you, please," he mouthed against my heated flesh.

And with that simple statement, I was his.

My eager fingers pushed down on his shorts as he moved his legs in assistance. My hand wrapped around his length and the feel of it ignited a further burning desire deep within my insides.

Jake's hands grasped the elastic of my pyjamas and he too shoved them down my legs. I bent over and kicked them off of my feet. His fingers made a deliberate path up my thigh to settle in the place between my legs that yearned for his touch. I held my breath with anticipation as his fingers finally dipped between the slick folds. I cried out in his ear, he sucked harder at my throat in response, nipping the sensitive skin there.

His nimble fingers circled the bundle of nerves ever so slightly as I arched my back instinctively, pressing myself down onto his hand, trying to increase the pressure, the friction. I thought I would surely come apart from his ministrations, tauntingly slow and gratifyingly precise, like his body knew exactly what I needed. My hand worked his length, twisting slightly, squeezing him, matching the rhythms of his caresses as well as the pressure.

His mouth kissed a trail back up my neck, over my jaw and urgently devoured my mouth again, his desperation and longing pouring out of him with every stroke of his tongue and caress of his lips against mine.

Jake broke away from me suddenly. "Stop," he whispered breathlessly. He pulled his hand away from between my legs and I bit my lip and tried not to whimper from the loss, the sound stuck in my throat.

Our chests heaved with laboured breaths against one another. I could just make out his expression in the dim moonlight – uncertainty.

"I need you too," I revealed in a small voice.

And I did. I _needed _him, it was unconditional and absolute and I couldn't make sense of it – I didn't want to - not right at this moment.

Jake pressed his forehead against mine as his hand caressed over my thigh, before settling behind my knee. He then lifted my knee over his hip, I gasped and I moved forward towards him as close as I could. My pulsating center now perfectly aligned with his length, my leg wrapped around his waist - leverage to press myself more firmly against him.

"Does your side hurt?" I asked.

He nodded. "But don't fucking stop, okay."

My heart pounded behind my ribs as my hands clutched onto his shoulders, my nails digging into his skin, holding him as securely as I could. One of his hands wound into the hair at the nape of my neck while the other positioned on the small of my back, drawing me closer still.

His length slowly slipped between my soft folds and I gasped holding onto him for dear life, I felt like I would be washed away in a torrent of emotion and he was anchor, holding on to me as always.

The depths of his soulful eyes reminded me why I was here to begin with, he had given everything of himself to me so wholly, so freely and if all I could do was give him this small piece of me, then that is exactly what I would do.

Jake entered me and I winced a little, the familiar burn reminding me of the night in the tent instantly. It was so different now, it was more deliberate, I wanted this as much as he did and I willingly gave in to the craving for him to be as deep inside me as he physically could be.

He slipped into me, slowly, forcefully - pulling back to watch my face silently, every movement of his pelvis against mine bringing about a new sting and a new fullness deep inside that satisfied my hunger for him.

Slow, calculated movements.

Pulling and pressing, shoving and needing – all together, all at the same time.

The fire in my belly radiated from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. I urged him further with every stroke of my fingers, every rake of my nails over his skin. His hands matched the impulsive actions of mine, equally fervent. Touching and claiming every expanse of my skin that he could reach.

Thrusting and pushing, now - filling and satisfying - in every way imaginable.

I bit down on my lip as the ache was mounting, my head spun, dizzy as a wave of pure pleasure washed over me. I moaned Jake's name into his chest, panting my gratification into his skin. His hips bucked into me erratically and he pulled out, spilling onto my thigh.

His face collapsed into my shoulder as he showered it with kisses, each one a testament of his love for me. I reached for the towel that hung over the bed head and cleaned up before settling in to his side, finding the crook of his shoulder to bury my face in his warm skin.

I glanced over at the clock; it was just after two in the morning. I looked up at Jake who gave me a tentative smile, but I could tell by his creased brow that he was also in pain.

"Jake?"

"Yeah," he replied

"Is the pain worse now?" I asked, a blush creeping up on my cheeks.

"This one," he said as he pointed to his side, "is worse. But this one," he explained as he took my palm and placed it over his thudding heart, "is _so_ much better."

I leaned over and kissed the place where my hand rested against his chest. "I'm glad. But do you need some pills for the other pain?"

He shook his head. "Probably, but I don't want the memory of this to be all hazy and shit."

Jake kissed the top of my head, just like he had done so many times before, but this time it had new meaning, because _I _was in love with _him_ too. We finally drifted off to sleep into a dreamless heavy slumber.

I awoke in the morning to an ear-splitting howl; it sliced through the quiet morning like a sharp knife. My heart sank and my pulse raced, thudding in my ears. I pulled my pyjama bottoms back on and helped Jake with his shorts.

As we peered out of the window, Quil was running up to the house, frantically yelling as he pounded on the front door. Billy must have let him in and the next second he was standing at the closed bedroom door banging.

"Come in!" Jake called out, trying to sit up in bed.

Quil swung the door open and he was struggling to catch his breath as he held onto the door frame.

"The treaty has been violated," he spat. "Vampire!"


	10. Chapter 9

**Author's Note - This is rated M for a reason, there will be language, lemons and sensitive issues. ****Apologies for the extra long break between chapters, this one was not only a struggle to write, but i was also distracted by my other fic ('Ride It' - it's a surfer!Jake, he's hot, check him out)**

**Shout Outs - ****Txgal77**** & ****Madaboutforks**** have been bribed into pre-reading and ****TheMightyRen**** & ****missmez**** have jumped on the bandwagon to beta. **

**Extra spesh fist bump to missmez, i was really stuck & she dabbled in writing to give me direction ILY!**

_Disclaimer: Twilight and its characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended._

* * *

_'How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes_  
_I struggle to find any truth in your lies_  
_And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know_  
_This weakness I feel I must finally show'_

_'Awake My Soul' by Mumford & Sons_

* * *

**Chapter 9**

Quil remained in the doorway, completely still waiting for a reaction from Jake.

"There's a fucking leech on our land. Fuck!" Quil yelled.

I felt Jake stiffen by my side and the colour practically drained from his face. He immediately turned to me but directed his words at Quil.

"Who is it?" he asked, his brows furrowed as he studied my expression.

"Don't know. Sam ordered me to come here and warn you," Quil said as he shifted his weight nervously. "I gotta go and make sure Sam's got it covered." He raked his hands through his hair and disappeared down the hall.

Jake's gaze was still focused on me. I knew he was thinking precisely the same thing I was – that Edward had come to find me.

I felt nauseous and my stomach sank as it became clear this was going to be a very awkward confrontation. I was naïve to think that Edward would simply accept me being here by Jake's side - he made no secret of the fact that he despised Jake, and he also feared for my safety being amongst wolves, one in particular.

"Bells," Jake began, "we both know it's _him_. I don't…" he trailed off and exhaled deeply.

A wailing howl interrupted Jake and he quickly lifted himself off the bed, clutching his side. He reached for my jeans that were draped over the back of a chair and handed them to me. I quickly changed out of my pyjama shorts and stepped into the jeans while grabbing my sweater. I pulled it on over my head as I headed for the door.

There was so much I wanted to say but I didn't even know where to start, it was too late. Edward was here and I would have to face the both of them, right now. My heart thumped behind my ribs and fear crept up and settled like lead in my chest. I couldn't breathe.

Jake grabbed my hand and pulled me back, I spun on my heel to face him.

He swallowed thickly and spoke. "Please. Just don't take it back, okay?" Jake's eyes glazed over. He was so accustomed to my hurting him, that this was his pre-emptive measure.

But this time I wouldn't take it back, I _couldn't_.

Now that I recognised it was there, I would never dismiss it again. I was in love with Jake and this changed everything, exactly how much – I wasn't sure yet.

I closed the gap between us and stood by his side, then entwined my fingers in his. We would deal with this together.

He looked down at our joined hands and a sad smile tugged at the corner of his lips. He was so beautiful.

"What now?" he asked.

I shrugged, I didn't have the answers. "I have no idea. Come on," I said as I encouraged him to follow me.

Billy was already outside waiting; Quil was in the yard standing just near the cusp of the forest. Paul, Embry and Jared suddenly burst through the trees and came to stand protectively in formation around the porch in their human form but in a readying stance to phase in a split second.

Sam's massive wolf form emerged from the tree line, he was pacing slowly in our direction and I gasped when I saw who was by his side.

Alice.

She looked even smaller than usual by Sam's side and her wary footsteps were in stark contrast to the usual way she walked with grace.

What was Alice doing here? I was certain that it was Edward who'd crossed the treaty line.

Jake squeezed my hand, still firmly in his, and a sudden feeling of dread overcame me.

Alice continued to approach cautiously, every member of the pack twitching with anticipation at the advance of their mortal enemy. She stopped when she was close enough for me to hear her but still far enough away to avoid the proximity to the pack.

The look on her face made a shiver crawl up my spine.

"Bella," she spoke, her voice flooded with concern but still sounding like wind chimes. "It's Edward."

I felt like I'd just had the breath knocked out of me. Immediately thoughts came rushing back of the last time I'd heard those exact words from Alice – it was in Charlie's kitchen and it resulted in an impromptu trip to Volterra.

"What's wrong?"

Alice's eyes darted between the huge forms of every one of the guys and finally came to rest on Jacob. "Edward's dying Bella."

I gasped and took two steps forward, dropping Jacobs hand in the process. My heart skipped a beat and I felt the blood drain from my face. "What?" I yelled - my mind racing round in circles with no conclusion to be found. "I don't understand."

"I don't have time to explain Bella. Please… you need to come with me," she begged.

I swallowed over the lump rising in my throat, the fear and uncertainty making itself known. I peered over my shoulder at Jake, he was standing on the porch holding his side and leaning against the wooden pillar. His eyes were cast off to the side, staring at nothing specific, just avoiding eye contact with me I assumed.

I closed the gap between Alice and I.

"Alice, why isn't he feeding?" I asked quietly. Discretion was not required, every one of the guys would have heard not only word for word of what I said, but they could also hear every beat of my heart and pulse of my veins.

She leaned over and spoke softly in my ear. "Bella, he _needs_ you."

I squeezed my eyes shut and nodded. "All right," I agreed, "let me get my bag."

I turned to walk back to the house when Alice grabbed my wrist. "Bella, you need to shower."

I died a little when I realised that she knew exactly what had happened with Jake and I.

I jogged back to the house and up the steps. I tried to take Jake's hand but he yanked it out of mine and turned away. "Don't," he warned harshly.

"Jake please, I _have_ to."

And I _did_. I _had_ to. Regardless of how much or how little I felt for Edward, I would never let him die. If I could do anything to help, I would. I owed it to him.

Jake pushed past me and walked inside. A sob broke from my chest as I followed. Alice remained standing by Sam's side while the remainder of the pack approached and encircled them in the yard.

The bedroom door slammed so hard I thought it would fall off its hinges. I stood on the other side of it wanting to bang on it and demand he let me in. But what would I say? I _had_ to go, it was no use. Instead I pressed my forehead against the dark wood and placed my palm across it for a second before turning and entering the bathroom.

I stripped off my clothes and quickly turned the water on as hot as I could, I scrubbed every inch of my skin impeccably, washing away any physical evidence of Jake and I. I dried off with a towel and wrapped it around myself before opening the door to go back to the bedroom. The door was still closed so I knocked on it gently and waited. There was no sound so I reached for the knob, turned it and pushed the door open.

Jake sat on the edge of the small bed with his eyes focused on the wall of photos. Beside him sat my bag with all of my things shoved in it, they'd been scattered around the room earlier.

He lifted himself off the bed. "Jake," I began, "I'm sorry, but I…"

"Why am I surprised?" he said laughing bitterly. "It's not like it's the first time."

I clutched at the towel as the ends of my hair dripped water on his wooden floors. I hurt so badly for him but there was nothing I could do. No explanation would ever be good enough for him and no rationalization would make sense to him.

"I have to," I whispered.

He shook his head from side to side. His jaw was clenched tightly as he spoke through gritted teeth. "No! You don't. You _choose_ to."

"Oh Jake, I'd do the same for you."

He took a step towards me and his hand swiftly snatched my wrist. I gasped at the pressure he applied.

"Don't you fucking dare make it out like he and I are the same," he spat venomously.

My eyes widened with fear and it registered in his expression. He dropped my arm and shoved past me to the door. He walked out slamming it behind him just as he had earlier.

Tears flooded my face as I quickly tipped my bag upside down onto his bed. I rummaged through it to find clean clothes and I dressed quickly and tied my wet hair in a bun. I shoved everything back in and ran out to the yard, swatting my tears with the back of my hand.

My eyes scanned the yard over every person, but there was no sign of Jake. I glanced over at Billy who indicated with a jerk of his head towards the garage.

"Alice I just need a second."

She shook her head. "Bella, there's no time."

"I need to do this, I'm sorry."

I ran to the garage and found Jake leaning on the workbench toying with a wrench. He didn't look at me which only stabbed further at my heart, I couldn't stand him hurting, especially at my hands… again.

I walked over and stood before him, lifting my hand to his face to urge him to look me in the eyes. He resisted at first but then allowed me to turn his face. I ran my thumb over his jaw and he closed his eyes.

"Just go," he muttered under his breath.

I didn't speak, I couldn't, because the only thing that would come out would be _I'm sorry_ and that didn't mean anything anymore. So I did the only thing I could. I kissed him.

Jake flinched as my lips ghosted over his. I pressed over them gently but he didn't respond.

"You don't smell like me anymore," he whispered sadly.

I shook my head. "No."

His brows creased as he bit down on his lip, like he was physically trying to stop himself from saying something.

"Go," he instructed.

I backed away from him slowly, my eyes still on his downturned ones.

"Bye Jake."

I waited a few seconds for a response - even though I knew I wouldn't get one. I turned and walked out the garage feeling like a left a huge piece of my heart with him. I could barely breathe over the emptiness in its place, the void throbbing painfully with every step I took further from Jake.

I hung my head and ran over to Alice. Every pair of eyes that belonged to the wolf pack boys were burning holes in me. I didn't dare lock gazes with any of them, their insinuations and accusations would be too much for me to take. I broke through the formation around Alice and took her hand, pulling her towards the edge of the forest.

"Bella we need to hurry."

I peered over my shoulder and saw giant wolves stalking towards us. It was inevitable they would want to make sure Alice left their land.

"Come on Bella, jump on my back and I'll run us to the car."

I pushed my arms through the loop of the handles on my bag and grabbed hold of Alice's shoulders and jumped up as she wrapped her forearms beneath my knees. She started sprinting through the forest and I shut my eyes. I felt the cool air whipping at my skin and could hear the rustling of leaves as she dashed through the trees.

We reached the cusp of the treaty line where Alice had left the yellow Porsche. She unlocked the car and I pulled the backpack from my shoulders and threw it on the floor of the passenger seat and jumped in as quickly as I could, buckling up the seat belt with a loud click. Alice stepped on the pedal so hard that my entire body was pushed up against the seat with the force.

"Alice what happened?"

I was afraid of the answer, but I just _had_ to know.

Alice gripped the steering wheel tightly as the car sped through the streets of Forks.

"There was an altercation with the Volturi. Felix attacked Edward and he got injured," she explained, her dark brows creased with worry against her ivory skin. "He's been slowly bleeding out for the past two days and he's refusing to feed."

I gasped and covered my mouth to muffle whatever noise wanted to escape. If Edward didn't feed, then he would continue bleeding and he would _die_. Drinking the blood of prey allowed his body to regenerate itself and heal his wounds. I couldn't fathom why he would choose not to live, but I gathered it had to do with me.

"Alice, this is insane! Can't someone talk him around?"

She shook her head solemnly, "no Bella. We've all tried, you're the last hope."

I swallowed down on questions that I desperately needed answered and concentrated on the road before us. It blurred into a haze as Alice sped down the 101 towards the Cullen house.

When we arrived at the house I reached for my bag and took a deep calming breath before walking up the steps. As I entered the house, Carlisle and Esme were seated on the beige coloured sofa in the lounge. If it was at all possible, their faces were a shade paler than usual, I assumed from the concern about Edward.

"Hi," I greeted softly.

Esme stood and stepped towards me, her small hands clasped together nervously. "Bella," she began and forced a small smile on her lips. "You must speak with Edward. I'm afraid there is nothing we can say to convince him otherwise."

I nodded meekly. "Of course."

"He's in his room," Alice revealed as she reached out and took the bag from my shoulders. "I'll do a load of laundry for you."

"Yes, please." Every piece of clothing in my bag would be saturated in Jake's scent. I guess it was a good thing that Alice thought of this, I never would have.

I walked up the stairs slowly, each step closer to Edward felt like it was tearing me further from Jake. My chest felt heavy with responsibility, to both of them – but right now, Edward needed me and I would do what I could.

I grasped the door knob to his room and knocked quietly with the other hand.

"Come in Bella," Edward answered in a low voice.

I turned the knob and entered the room.

It had been reorganised since I was last there. The large iron bed had been removed and the black leather couch was positioned up against the wall in its place. Edward was shirtless and sat on the edge of the couch cradling his head in his hands. He was leaning over and I could see the bandages taped to his back with dark blood, almost black, seeping through it. I swallowed down on my gag reflex at the sight of it.

I cautiously stepped towards him and dropped to my knees on the wooden floor before him. I placed my hands on either of his wrists and practically pried his hands away from his face.

He looked awful; he was a ghost of the Edward that I recalled. His skin was almost grey in colour and withered. The dark bruising under his eyes telling me he hadn't fed and was slowly and painfully wasting away.

"Edward, look at me. Please!" I begged.

I ran my palm over the bare skin of his arm and noticed how it was even colder than normal.

He lifted his head and fixed his eyes directly onto mine. His irises were as black as coal instead of their usual amber colour. He looked like a completely different person, one I didn't recognise.

"Oh Edward!" I sighed as I squeezed his hands more firmly, showing him that I'm here for him.

He attempted his crooked grin; somehow it didn't have the usual affect on me. It did however pull at my heartstrings, the ones I very neatly tied to Edward in pretty little bows with all of my naivety. I thought everything was so simple; that I loved the boy and the boy loved me and we would live happily ever after. Little did I realise that the best friend loved me too and that I would fall for him also – hard! And now here I am in this sick triangle.

Those pretty bows were now being ripped apart thread by delicate thread by the affections of another. Jake. But I was still bound to Edward, less than before but I did still have some love for him. Completely different from that which now burned for Jake, but it was love all the same.

"Edward, listen to me. You have to feed. You just _have_ to," I began in a pleading voice. I wanted to ask why he was refusing, but I was afraid of the answer. "You need to get better, everyone is sick with worry. Please!"

"You're so beautiful Bella," he said as he stroked his fingertips over my cheek. "Remember what I told you after you came to Volterra?"

I nodded against his hand, his fingers still caressing my face.

"I told you that you were my only reason for living," he reminded. "And that I wouldn't want to live in a world where you didn't exist."

My brows knitted together in confusion. "But Edward, I'm right here. I don't understand."

He toyed with a lock of my hair before tucking it behind my ear. "You love him," he stated matter-of-factly.

Comprehension hit me like a blow to the chest and I couldn't breathe right. Edward may as well have been standing on a chair with a noose around his neck and my answer would be me kicking it from beneath him. I was honest with Jake and I owed Edward the same.

"Yes," I whispered.

"I can't live without you Bella. I don't _want_ to live without you," he whispered hurriedly.

His eyes were so sombre and filled with grief that I may as well have been dead. To Edward losing me was a fate worse than death, and he was willing to commit suicide by not feeding if I wasn't by his side.

The burden of his life hanging in the balance weighed heavily on my heart and mind. I would never want to be responsible for him ending his existence based on my love or the lack of it. It wasn't fair that he laid this on me but I also couldn't ignore the fact that it was my turn to save him. I owed it to him, he'd saved my life on many occasions and it was time to return the favour.

"Edward," I said soothingly, "I'm right here. I love you too."

The words felt wrong falling from my mouth. It was like they were almost forced and molded to sound like something other than what they were. But there was some love left for Edward, I couldn't deny that. It was smaller; diminishing and fading, but it was still there. I was still tied to him, just not as wholly as I had been all this time.

"I don't want you to die Edward. Remember what happened when you left me last time?"

I knew deep down inside that _that_ would never happen again. I wouldn't break and crumble and shatter without him again, because he no longer had possession of my entire heart, Jake's capable hands had a firm grasp on it now too and I couldn't deny it any more.

But I wanted Edward to live, so I said what I had to say to keep him alive. Or _existing,_ as the case may be.

Pain struck his face and his brows creased as he hunched over. I reached around and placed my palm on the back of his neck as his head hung between his knees. He coughed forcefully and dark blood splattered on the ivory skin of his hands.

I gasped audibly and fell backwards, crawling away till my back hit the cool glass of the floor to ceiling window behind me. I stared at the nearly black droplets of his palms as he reached for the towel lying on the couch by his side.

"Edward! What's happening?" I asked frantically which a shaky voice.

He wiped at his hands, over and over, the blood was gone by he kept wiping. "My insides are deteriorating. That's what happens if I can't heal."

I swiped furiously at the tears running down my cheeks. He would disappear before my eyes if I didn't stop this. It was insane – why would he do this to himself? To _me_?

"Can't?" I asked, "you mean _won't_. How can you do this to everyone, to your family… and to me."

Edward completely ignored me. Instead raising his voice slightly from the husky whisper he'd been speaking in.

"You know, I told Alice not to bring you," he said. Then he laughed resentfully. "I wondered how long it would take for you to come here of your own free will. Would I have been a corpse by then?"

I lifted myself back to my feet and pushed off of the window to settle beside Edward on the couch. I wrapped my arm around his and rubbed circles into his forearm. "It would kill me. You can't do this. You just can't!"

"I love you _so_ much Bella."

"Then why do you want to punish me like this?" I yelled, trying to get through to him.

He shook his head slowly from side to side. "I'm _not_. The exact opposite actually. You know that saying – if you love someone…"

"Let them go. Yes!" I interrupted. "Let them go," I repeated. "Not _go kill yourself_."

Edward grinned awkwardly at my outburst. He placed his hand over mine, which was still on his forearm but now trembling. "I'm giving you a clean slate Bella."

My eyes widened. "I don't need a clean slate. I don't regret anything, every choice I made was mine to make."

"It would be easier for you if I wasn't here." He said stubbornly.

"How? I would blame myself for the rest of my life. How exactly would that be easier for me?"

Edward ignored me; instead, he stared over my head and out the window overlooking the tall trees that we had once climbed. It was so simple then, it seemed a lifetime ago.

I wasn't getting through to him, nothing I was saying was helping so I began clutching at straws; it was only a technicality but I was desperate.

"Edward, do you remember when you told me that if I didn't love you, you would leave me alone, as long as I was happy and as long as it was my choice?" I asked. It was a long shot, but I was hoping he would remember and be true to his word.

"Well I choose for you to live. Please, you need to feed and heal yourself. I couldn't bear knowing I was the cause of your death." I knew I was being cruel and laying the guilt back on him, but I had to keep pushing and urging him to stop this insanity. I would never get over it if he let himself die because of me, the guilt alone would eat me up inside.

Edward locked his gaze with mine, the pain in his eyes more evident now than before and I hoped that I had gotten through to him. "But you don't love me. You've given your heart to someone else. You may as well be dead – it's the same thing to me."

I recoiled at his words; they cut through me like a knife and I instantly remembered a different voice in a different place telling me I might as well be dead. The pain of the memory burned in my chest and tears filled my eyes.

"How can you say that?"

Edward exhaled shakily and dropped his head back with his eyes focused on the ceiling. "Which part Bella?"

I shrugged meekly. "All of it."

"I don't want to hurt you Bella."

I was hurting all over, the emotional pain at the thought of him killing himself over me was excruciating. "But don't you see? You _are_ hurting me. And it's not going to stop until _you_ stop it."

Edward looked over at me with an emptiness that felt like complete surrender. I wanted him to fight; I _needed_ him to want to fight.

But I was losing valuable time, so I tired to talk about his family again, hoping to spur him into action at the thought of them coping without him.

"Would you really do this to your family? You would willingly die and put Carlisle and Esme through the pain of losing their son. Can you imagine what that would do to Esme?"

I knew his family would have tried this already, but perhaps hearing it from me over and over again would somehow convince him.

"My family will understand. They may not agree but they understand. If any of them lost their mate, they would fall apart too."

"You haven't lost me! I'm right here. And no, Edward, they won't understand!" The anger collected inside, it rose and swelled and I just couldn't contain it any longer. "How can a parent understand that their child wants to die? That is incomprehensible. And what's more, it's utterly selfish on your part."

The furious words tumbled out of my mouth before I could stop them, not that I wanted to, so my tirade continued. "How do you think Carlisle feels? He's a doctor but he can't do anything to save his son. And what about Alice? She risked her life crossing the treaty line to come get me. Do you know what she is seeing? She already sees a future without you. The others can only imagine, but she can actually _see_ it!"

"I care about you Edward. Don't you see? You have given me so much and if anything were to happen to you, I don't know how I would survive." The fight in me was gone, how else could I make him see? Make him understand that he can't do this.

"I'm sure your mutt could help you," Edward spat sarcastically.

Before I even realise my hand rose and whipped through the air, slapping Edward across the face. Hard. "How dare you bring him into this?" I hissed.

My hand ached as I cradled it but the anger overrode the pain. "He almost died fighting your war. You brought Victoria to us; she wanted to kill me because of you. And you have the gall to insult him?"

Edward clenched his eyes shut as he listened to my ranting, I wasn't sure whether his pained expression was from his physical wounds of my thoughtless words, but it was clear as day. His features twisted, caused by attempting to rein in the hurt.

"Bella, I'm sorry," he began to say.

"Just stop Edward. Forget it." I stood up from the couch and stalked towards the door. I pulled it open and glanced at Edward over my shoulder; he sat completely still and unmoving, staring at his clasped hands. His inaction fuelled my anger so I slammed the door behind me and walked back downstairs.

Carlisle was already waiting at the foot of the stairs to examine my hand; Alice would've seen the slap a millisecond after it happened. He sat me down on the couch as he poked and prodded and twisted as I bit down against the discomfort. "It's not broken Bella, this time." Carlisle said empathetically.

Esme came to stand by my side, her eyes also darker than usual. She fidgeted with her wedding ring and asked hastily, "did you have any luck?" I had just opened my mouth to tell her I couldn't reach him.

"Edward! Son." Carlisle announced, his voice flooded with relief and surprise.

Edward moved to stand by my side. "Bella, are you ok? Please tell me you're ok." he pleaded.

Hope began to surface but I couldn't be sure, so I continued my ruse. "Why do you care Edward?" I asked indifferently. "You want to die remember. So you give up your right to know how I am if that's your choice."

In a flash he was kneeling in front of me and reaching for my hand in his. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. If he could cry, I was certain there would be tears. "I love you so much, and the thought that you don't love me – I don't see the point in living without you."

"Edward, I love you. I do." I knew I had to say whatever he needed to hear to convince him to feed. "Please, you have to feed. Do it for me. Do it for your family. Please."

Edward looked around the room at the expectant faces of each member of his family, optimism etched into every one of their faces as they smiled encouragingly. Then he turned and headed back up the stairs. I caught a glimpse of Alice's face; she was seeing something, a vision. Her face lit up and I was certain it was good news.

"Jasper, Emmett?" Edward asked.

"Yes?" Jasper answered.

Edward stared at me from his place on the stairs. "Bella, promise me you will be here when I come back. Promise me you love me. Promise me."

A lump rose in my throat, I could barely breathe over it let alone speak. My heart was aching because I knew what I had to do, I did love him, but not the same way that I had. And _that_ was what he still craved and I knew I couldn't love him like that ever again. But I had no choice, I would have to lie to him, I couldn't let him die.

Suddenly six pairs of eyes were boring into me and I felt a sense of urgency, I had to make this promise to save Edward's life and I realised Jasper was forcing me feel that way, to feel it was an acceptable thing to do – to lie to Edward.

Nobody said a word, but their expressions spoke volumes. They all waited anxiously for me to make this promise to Edward. And so I did.

Alice smiled a little beside me.

"I promise Edward," I said with as much conviction I could muster.

Alice had seen me speak the words before I actually spoke them and she saw that her brother would be safe.

"Let's go." Emmett said. "Those mountain lions aren't going to eat themselves."

Edward, Jasper and Emmett left quickly after that and I was left with an enormous sense of guilt weighing heavily on my heart and mind.

"Have they gone?" I asked Alice.

"Yes," she replied.

My emotions flooded in my chest as Jasper left and it was all real and raw again. I was glad that he was choosing his family and to live for them, but he was also doing this for me, first and foremost. And it was all based on a lie.

I slumped back on the couch, tucked my knees under my chin and wrapped my arms around myself. I felt horrible. I felt sick. I was a liar.

I closed my eyes, I was so tired. These last few days had been so draining physically and emotionally and I had nothing left. I drifted off to sleep, fully clothed on the couch in the lounge.

When I awoke I had a blanket over me and Edward was sitting by my side. He still looked different but his eyes were the colour of dark toffee and it warmed my heart to see him looking so much more like himself. The bruising beneath his eyes had faded and he wore his crooked grin. I smiled in return.

"You look so much better Edward."

"I _feel_ much better too love," he said as he stroked my leg.

I looked around confused, a muted light shone outside and I couldn't distinguish whether it was dusk or dawn.

"What time is it?" I asked.

"It's morning," he confirmed.

"Oh God! I really need to get home Edward."

He nodded by my side as he ran the backs of his fingers over my cheek. The gesture felt so intimate, too intimate almost and I pulled away from his touch. His expression changed immediately and I realised I'd made a bad move.

I smiled. "It just… tickles."

He relaxed his posture beside me. "I'm sorry. I can take you home now if you like."

I needed to get home, I desperately wanted to call Jake and check up on him. I wasn't sure how I would explain all this to him; I didn't want him believing I was going back to Edward.

"Yes. Please, that would be great."

I stood up from the couch and reached for my bag which sat on top of the large dining table. I followed Edward down to the garage and stepped into his Volvo while he held the door open for me.

The drive to Forks was quiet. Edward stared at me and I avoided his eyes and stared out of the window. When we arrived at my house, Charlie's cruiser was in the drive way which meant he was still home. Not that I expected any different, it was still very early and I was certain he was sleeping.

"Edward I need to sneak in quietly, I don't want Charlie waking up to me coming home at this hour of the morning."

He took my hand is his. "Come on," he said as he pulled me towards the side of the house and we stood beneath my bedroom window. "I'll carry you up through the window," he suggested.

I nodded. "Okay."

I wrapped my arms around his neck as he lifted me under my knees. He then climbed up the tree and jumped onto the window sill while hanging onto the awning with one hand. I freed one of mine and pushed the window open – I never locked it anymore.

Once in my room I collapsed on my bed. It had been days since I'd slept here and it felt so familiar that lethargy washed over me again as a yawned sleepily.

Edward stood by the bed and pulled the blanket up over me. "Maybe you should get some more sleep Bella," he suggested.

I closed my eyes and shook my head. "No, I'm okay."

He laughed and I felt the bed move beside me as he sat down. He stroked my hair with his fingers and I couldn't help but drift off again.

I was neither awake nor asleep when I heard Charlie quietly call out my name. I opened my eyes and saw him standing in the door way. "Hey kiddo, I didn't hear you come in last night. I gotta go to work but I'll see you tonight."

I stiffened for a second before realising that Edward was hiding, of course he was, he would have heard Charlie long before he even opened the bedroom door. "Sure thing dad. Have a good day."

Edward stepped back in through the open window several seconds after Charlie closed the door. He came and sat by me again, kissing the top of my head. "What would you like to do today?"

I wanted to speak to Jake, but I couldn't tell Edward that. "Nothing. I just want to stay home. You don't have to stay here Edward, you should go back home, I'm sure Esme and Carlisle would like to see you."

"No love, I'd prefer to stay right here."

Thoughts of Jake kept appearing in my mind. I wondered how he was, was he healed, was he in pain, was he still upset that I left? I sighed heavily. Of course he was. I wasn't sure how I would make this up to him.

I couldn't lie in bed any longer so I got up and decided to empty my bag. As I approached the desk to reach for it, I glanced out the open window. I gasped as I locked gazes with Jake.

He stood in my yard below my window, his fists curled angrily by his sides and fury shone in his dark eyes. He could smell Edward.

He knew.


End file.
